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CETME 06-06-2007 07:13 PM

Ohio to Florida.... in the cold... on a Monster....
Well, I know I'm new, but I figured i'd start with one of my previous trips.....

This past November I found a Monster S4 in Columbus, Ohio..... Yes, in November. Temperatures were a high of 45 and a low of 27. I was going to ride home on a motorcycle, with no windshield, and no wind protection.... All the way to St. Petersburg, FL.

I purchased the motorcycle from a premier Ducati aftermarket parts manufacturer. This company used the bike as a show bike, and outfitted it with all the latest and greatest parts and used it a model. Well, it was now time to sell it, so they took off all the goodies, and put it back to factory stock. It only had 226 miles on it, and the price was good considering it was from a very reputable company, so having just sold my old Ducati, I bought this one.

I decided I would buy a one way ticket to Ohio, and just ride the thing 1000 miles home. In the back of my mind I knew this was stupid, and everytime I told someone what I was doing, they would further re-enforce what the sensible part of my brain had been telling me all along. I didnt care though, I'm young and pretty much and idiot, so I was going to do it anyways.

The day before my departure, I brought together all I was going to take with me. As you guys know VERY well, riding a motorcycle in cold weather is NOTHING like being in a car. We riders must do without certain luxuries.... First of all, there is no radio, there is no heat, you cant put your foot up on the dashboard. You sit there, try to stay warm, and sing to yourself every song you know, over, and over, and over again. Well, instead of telling you what I wore, here are some pictures so you can see for yourself what is needed to ride across the country in November:

For my head and feet, I wore an Underarmor hood, with some thick socks and some sweet sock liners.
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

for my Torso, I relied on years of eating more than I should, and the beauty and magic of having fat on you. On top of that, I wore an Underarmor shirt, some military thermals, and my waterproof Moto Jacket.

For my legs, I let my natural defense work for me. I started off with my set of hair pants. For those of you who dont know what hair pants are, here you go:
Busted, I know you looked at my system....

On top of my hair pants, I wore some underarmor underwear and I wore two pairs of hanes thermal undies, a pair of jeans, and some Gore-tex wind/waterproof pants.

So the next morning I wake up at 7:15 and call Todd to take me to the airport, He shows up looking like he just got shot out of a cannon, I was almost embarrassed to stand next to the guy. But anyways,we stop so he can get a breakfast burrito and a lottery card, and of course he uses this time wisely to complain about being up so early. We get to the airport shortly afterwards, and he flicks me off as I get out, and then peels out and leaves.

As I'm on the plane, walking to my seat, I see who I have to sit next to, these girls looked like trouble. They looked at me with evil smiles and I thought "oh shit, here we go" and sat down. Immediately they took my picture and asked me to take a group photo with them. As soon as the plane took off, they started with the drinks. In no time, they had tons of empty bottles. I brought out my camera, and this was the result:

After the madness of the flight ended, one of the guys from the shop picked me up from the airport and took me to see my bike. They were putting some finishing touches on it, and here is what I saw:

Pretty hot huh?! Well, other than the yellow of course, which isn't going to stay for very long. Well, I examined the bike, and found out that the drive-chain was not to my liking, it was cut too long, and wasn't right. I told them twice about it, and was told it was fine, and that it was a new chain. Who was I to argue? Otherwise, I was happy as a puppy chewing up valuables.

I paid them, and decided to get going on my way. One of the guys at the shop offered me to stay the night at his house, He's the president of the Ohio Ducati club, and that a bunch of guys were coming over to wrench on their bikes and drink some beer. He said it was wayyyyy too cold to ride out, and that I wouldn't make it. So what do you guys think I did? Yes, of course, you know exactly what I did, I said "Thanks, but I'm going to go!"

So I put on all my gear and I'm off. After 20 miles, I start to feel pain… after 30 miles, I'm suffering… shit is it cold… after 40 miles I'm so excruciatingly cold I can no long feel my hands, nor operate the controls. I pull over and hug my muffler for warmth. After 10 minutes, I continue on, but the suffering doesn't subside, I was in real pain. At the 50 mile mark, I mentally gave up, and pulled over to a hotel. I asked for a room, and it was expensive, $70 expensive! But I didn't care…. I got into my room, and sat there.

As I warmed up, I started to come to my senses. First of all, my bike was outside in the middle of nowhere, if it got stolen, I'd be so fucked it wouldn't be funny. Secondly, I had only made it 50 miles! I had planned on doing nearly 500. I put all my clothes back on, (which is seriously a full 10 minute project, but the worst part are my gloves which take up most of that time) and went to the front desk and told the lady that I decided to keep on going, and she gave me my monay back.

I got to my bike and snapped a shot of it while it sat there in the cold, in case you were curious, this is what my bike looks like in 20 degree weather:

I got on the bike and realized that I didn't put my earplugs on. This might not seem like a big deal, but when you go over long distances with no earplugs you will get a NASTY headache. (at least I do) Frustrated, I rode to the nearest gas station to do the task. This meant that I had to take off my gloves, take off my helmet, take off my hood, and put in my earplugs, and then put it all back on. This seriously took 10 minutes, No lie.

So I get back on the highway, and as soon as I'm on the highway, my gas light comes on… FUCK. Now I have to stop, take off my fucking gloves, and do it again. So the next exit comes along, and the whole ordeal takes place again. I was just at a gas station doing this!!!

So after I get gas and back on the highway again, the temperature is at the mid 20's That might not seem so bad, but try doing that at 65mph with no windshield, no fairings, no handguards, nothing…. It was unbearable. I tried to fight it, and tried to fight it, but the cold was seeping in from everywhere, I was shivering on the bike, and at the same time, I lost feeling in my hands. The throttle, brakes and clutch are all hand-operated on a motorcycle, so you can imagine how important it is to have your hands doing what your brain tells it to do.

Every 10 minutes, I pulled off on the side of the road, and re-warmed myself. I was moving at a snails pace and I had only just started. How was I going to do the full 1000 miles if I cant even go 10 miles without having to stop and heat up. After another 50 miles I could no longer withstand the cold, I was truly defeated. I saw a billboard for a $40 room at the next exit, and took it. I show up at the motel and ask how much a room is, and they tell me $60, so I tell them about the billboard, and they say "what billboard?" so I tell them again about the billboard on the highway, this time with my stink eye in full force, and they're like "ooooh, THAT billboard" so I got the price.

Still shivering from the cold, I walked into my room and collapsed near the heater and cried.

After 15 minutes of acting like a baby, I started to heat up this is how I looked:

At this point, I was getting warm, and starting to smile a little:

All that smiling caused me to wonder…. How do I look like when I'm serious? Well, I found out:

After running the full range of emotions in less than half an hour, I started to lose it:

After I regained my sanity, I realized that I hadn't eaten anything for 24 hours. I decided to treat myself to some Cracker Barrel, so I braved the cold and went down the street to the Barrel. It always has a warm fire, and on top of that, I can beat their crafty little game. I get so pleased with myself every time I do it, and i'm quite a snob about it.

Here is a picture the waitress took of me. I demanded she take a picture of me or i'd offend her sensibilities, and here was the result:

In case you guys were wondering, this is what my bike looks like when its parked in front of a Cracker Barrel:

After I got back to the hotel room, I parked the bike inside, Nobody was going to take my buddy!

The next morning, bright and early at 8am, I woke up, and took a hot shower. In case you guys are wondering what I look like when I shower, here you go:

Ummm.... I removed this picture..... Don't worry... I did you guys a favor!

After I was done, I put on my undies, and ran outside to take this picture for everyone:

After eating some continental breakfast, I put on my gear and I was off again! This time I would be ready to get this trip going. I went to a gas station to fill up before I left, I grabbed some poor kid to take a picture of me next to my bike:

Here's a picture of said kid. I don't think he likes yellow, I think it's a pretty nice color:

Here is where things get a bit blurry. Because the sun was now out, I was able to ride until I was out of gas. Lets get one thing straight though, It was still 30-40 degrees out, and while I wasn't in severe pain, I was still very, very cold. My next stop was somewhere in Kentucky, Here is me trying to get my temperature up again:

As I got back on the road, I saw some beautiful sights, and decided to stop on the side of the road to see one… I know you guys are dying to know how my bike looks like in Tennessee, so here you go:

Here is the view I was talking about:

At this point, the batteries of my camera were about to die, so I decided to save them. About an hour later, I saw a sign saying "scenic view, 1 mile" "well, damn, I wanna see a scenic view" I thought to myself. So the scenic view area was like a tiny rest stop, no facilities, just the view, So I pulled off. Enjoyed the beauty, it was gorgeous, way better than the picture shown above. I didn't wanna unpack everything for this picture, though I should have, so I decided to start up the bike and get going. I then fired up the bike. As I idled I thought to myself "its warmer now, the sun is out, and I haven't yet tested how fast this bike is, So instead of merging slowly into traffic like old people do, I twisted the throttle, and let her rip. As I sped up to about 80-90mph I heard a BANG! CRACK! And I suddenly lost power. Cars and trucks zoomed by me as I pulled off to the side of the road……

SR1 06-06-2007 07:26 PM

Ok, now you are sucking at the internets less.

I said on the other thread, " Oh and I recognize your screen name, and your photobucket one too. Do you should Highpower?"

Also, good pic with the girls. Now, FINISH THE DAMNED STORY!!!

Oh, and now that I can actually see the pics, that "censored" one is uncalled for dude, no one wants to see that. Well, some folks here do, but I don't.

Incabiker 06-06-2007 07:32 PM

Ahahahah, :clap, thats one of the most entertaining ride reports I have ever read, ahaha. Damn where are women like that when I am flying, shit. I usually have some fat ass man beside me smelling like the sweat in his fat rolls have dissolved into some putrid form of rotten milk. Damn, what the hell were the other people doing when the women were going at it like that??

Keep up the posts man!!! WTF happened to the bike???:ear

SR1 06-06-2007 07:35 PM


Originally Posted by Incabiker
one of the most entertaining ride reports I have ever read, ahaha. Damn where are women like that when I am flying, shit. WTF happened to the bike???:ear

+3 on all three, or +3 total. I'm just sittin' here waiting for the next part.


Schlug 06-06-2007 08:07 PM

you are fucking killing me....

what happened to the bike?!?

GB 06-06-2007 08:11 PM

Looks good, if not risqué... Crazy ride!! keep it comin':thumb but remember, this is the family channel... and some of these pics might have to go..

CETME 06-06-2007 08:14 PM

Oh.. sorry about the family channel part... should I tone down the language or cut out the pictures?

SR1 06-06-2007 08:21 PM

Well, we LOVE the two girls kissing (but some here might be offended), we DON'T LOVE the naked guy in the shower (though some of the girls here might) but Jo Momma is where you put the risque stuff.

Who knows, it might slide here...I'll just keep looking at the girls and keep spinning the mouse ball really really fast past the guy in the shower, lol.


GB 06-06-2007 08:24 PM

so what happened to the bike?

what happend with the 2 chicks on the plane? any more pics? start a new thread about it in the basement (JM) :lol3

the shower picture can go.. it's just that people who surf at work, or at home with young children peeking over their shoulder.. it makes is uncomfortable for inmates to have to explain to their coworkers or children about some of the goings on in this asylum.. :lol2 I'll let you do the editing. Thanks :thumb

CETME 06-06-2007 08:24 PM

well..... here it is!

As I pulled off the road, I thought I blew a timing belt and engine smashed itself into a lump of metal. As I got onto the shoulder and came to a stop, I noticed my engine was still running. I immediately knew what had then happened, my drive-chain broke. I got off the bike, and sure enough, no chain. I did have a broken rear fender caused by the chain flapping off and demolishing it.

At this point, what was I going to do? Its about 4:30 and I'm 15 miles north of Chattanooga, Tennessee for crying out loud, right in the middle of the Tennessee Mountains, yay…. My first reaction is to look at my bike and assess the damage, then I follow that up with 3-5 minutes of "Shit, Fuck" Sometimes I swapped it around with some "Fuck, Shit"….. You know what I'm talking about.

I called my friend Brian who happened to be in Tallahassee, FL visiting another friend of mine, Crissi-Lyn. I told him what happened, and he told me that they were on their way to get me. After I got off the phone I looked around…. man was I in a bad spot. I was right on a curve, and cars and trucks were flying right by me.

A few minutes later, one of the Tennessee road rangers showed up. I told him what happened and he called me a tow-truck. I then found the chain on the road. This is what I saw:

Then all I could do was wait:

At this point my camera batteries died. So there is a black spot in this part of the story. Basically what happened was the tow truck showed up. Out of the truck came this tall skinny lurch-looking guy. He was so tall and skinny that he had a slightly forward hunch to him. His face was the exact face you expect to find in the backwoods of Tennessee. From the very start this guy creeped me out. He wasn't a road-ranger, he was just a guy from a tow-truck company

We got the bike into the back of the truck, and we got in. As we drove to the next exit he leaned over and told me "by the way, I'm gonna hafta charge you for this". I was a little taken back because in Florida, it's free if a road ranger finds you. "Whatever" I thought to myself and opened up my wallet and pulled out a $50 to hand him.

"oh, its going to be one and a quarter" he said.

"Wha?!" was my reply, "Do you take credit cards?"

"No" said Lurch

"Well you better put me down now because I don't have that cash"

"Too late now" he replied.

As we pulled off the exit he told me he would take me to a hotel, because there was nothing open right now to fix the bike, and that even if my friends did come now, they wouldn't be here until late. I said "fine" and he took me to a hotel.

I noticed as we pulled up to the hotel, that there were 6 other hotels right in the immediate area. He stopped the truck and jumped right out, and sped walked into the hotel. I figured I might as well follow him so I walk into the lobby. They had already been talking a bit, and I paid for the room, and went to walk out. I noticed that he didn't follow, but that he was whispering to the lady behind the counter.

A few moments later he came out and said:

"So, how do you want to pay me?"

"I told you, I don't have that much cash" I replied, frustrated
"I'm going to have to take your bike then, and you wont be able to pick it up tomorrow because we're closed, so you'll have to get it on Monday" was the bastard's reply.

"oh, and we charge $15 a day storage fee as well" he added.

At this point I was weighing my options. I could knock the motherfucker out, and say "Oh god! Somebody call the…" and run off and get my bike down. But that probably wouldn't have gotten me too far in broad daylight, so I called my credit card company to get cash out it. They said it was possible and gave me a PIN# to use, and I was all set to go.

I ran over to the gas station across the street. I put my card and PIN# in the ATM to find out that they put a hold on my account because of fraud. Apparently It was suspicious that I did this out of state. So I called up the card company again, and told them the whole story again, and how the tow-truck driver was now impatient and about to just leave with my bike. They really didn't have too much sympathy, and said they would have to run a few security questions by me.

At this point, I notice a man who was standing beside me and the ATM. I say to him: "you can use the ATM if you need it"

"how much do you need?" he replies

"I have to get another $100 out of the ATM somehow"

He then opened up his wallet and gave me $100. I was floored. Who does that? Who gives a complete stranger that kind of money?! I didn't know what to say for a minute. The credit card lady on the phone was saying "SIR… SIR… SIR!!" and I promptly hung up on the bitch and thanked the man a million times. He said "just send it to me when you get home." At that very moment the tow truck driver walked in, and I spun around with cash in hand, and gave it to the cocksucker. I again thanked the man, and told the tow truck driver how there's still good in the world, and we walked out together. Then I heard this filth from his mouth:

"Oh, I was going to do that too, I was going to pay for the bill with my own money, and when your friends go here, You could have paid me back"

My head snapped towards him, and I squinted my eyes as I looked at him. I didn't say it, but I thought "Fuck you".

Anyways, we walked to the truck, and he took me right in front my room. For some reason, my room was at the back, in the corner, with nobody else at all in the back. He lowered my bike, and I pushed it inside the room. He then left. I sat in the room, and the first thing that came to me was "he'll be back". I remembered him and the lady behind the counter whispering, and I remember him saying how nice the bike was. I had nothing to defend myself with, no knife, no gun and I was in the back of the hotel with nobody around. Fuck this, I thought to myself, I'm not staying here, so I took my bike out of the room, and pushed it to the front desk. I demanded my money back, and you could tell that it stunned her. "uhh… uhhh…. Uhh…. Ok" she replied. I got it back.

I pushed the bike several blocks over, and had to stop to take a breather. Let me tell you, its easier to ride a bike than it is to push one uphill. I stopped at one point and this is what I looked like:

I pushed the bike to a hotel, and pushed it up near the front door so I could watch the bike from the lobby. I asked the foreign guy behind the counter if I could hang out there until my friends showed up, and he waved his hand in a "Shoo" fashion, and told me to scram. Well I wanted to punch him in his ugly ass face, but I just turned around and left.

Shit, it was now 7pm and I had nowhere to go….I then pushed my bike to the hotel next door, and I walked in, and asked the girl behind the counter if I could hang out for a while. She said "Oh sugar, of course you can". I then walked outside and camoflauged my bike. If someone was after my bike, they would be looking for yellow, so I used some of my clothes to break up the outline of the bike, and to cover the yellow:

I walked back into the hotel and me and the girl watched T.V. in the lobby on the couch. I charged up my camera batteries, and my phone. This is what my camera saw:

Hours later, she began to setup the continental breakfast station:

I had only eaten one meal since Thursday night. It was now Saturday night. I was starving. I didn't ask to gobble up the food because I was grateful enough to be able to hang out there and didn't want to ruin the status-quo.

Me and the girl hung out for almost 4hrs before she had to close the lobby down. They closed at 11p.m. So I thanked her, and walked outside to wait. It was 30 degrees, and while that doesn't sound all that cold, it is below freezing, and you are just sitting on the floor not moving. Then again, cold was the theme of this trip, so I just had to accept it. This is what that image looked like:

At this point, the only thing I could do was wait. When will my friends get here?

Incabiker 06-06-2007 08:37 PM

Damn man, this is excellent!!! You could make a movie out of this thing. Girls kissing each other, crazy bike rider (you of course), Banjo playing hill billy in tow truck, a guy who pops out of no where to give you money while you are in need, it has all the goods of the next labowsky!!!:clap

SR1 06-06-2007 08:41 PM

Man, this REALLY sucks! Those damned guys with the chain...ARGH!

And, do you shoot Highpower?

CETME 06-06-2007 08:47 PM


Originally Posted by SR1
Man, this REALLY sucks! Those damned guys with the chain...ARGH!

And, do you shoot Highpower?

Yes sir... I've got an Argentine.... how did you know!?

SR1 06-06-2007 08:55 PM

Your Photobucket screen name and the Cetme screen name here.

You don't shoot NRA Service Rifle, but do you shoot NRA Highpower at all?

I'm an NRA Master. An SR1 is the card you write your scores on at every match. ;)

TouringDave 06-06-2007 09:17 PM

More, more, more, more, oh god, please MORE!!!! :lol3 Funniest thread I've read in a long time!

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