So, one day when I was about 17 I was out riding my Honda CR 125 in an area between Huntington Beach and Costa Mesa called Sheep Hills. My friends and I used to go over there and see if we could outrun the cops as they chased us out. We also used to go over there and smoke pot, drink and then play "BB Gun Warfare". Yep, that's right, shoot each other with BB Guns while high as a kite. Like any war there's always an arms race. What started out with rules, such as no CO2 powered guns and no pumping more than 10 times spiraled into oblivion. Soon gun smugglers were bringing multi shot-piston powered turbo charged fire breathing shrapnel throwing machine gun style pellet guns.
So as I'm standing there in the cold morning dew and fog that has rolled in off of the Newport river jetty area, taking a piss and minding my own business wiht an Indica joint hanging from my lower lip, suddenly Mike Haglund pops up out of a fox hole, like Charlie the tunnel rat in Vietnam. He takes aim on me and let's a shot fly from his Beamis 220 pellet rifle. I was standing there with my gogles on top of my head because my piss was fogging up my goggles. Instantly I hear the sound of cracking plastic and then see a splat of blood fly onto my goggles. I zip up without pinching little Rob and start chasing after Mike and laying into him with my CO2/Nitrous Oxide powered pistol, in a stream of pellets so solid and long you could walk on them. We all got bloody and picked pellets and BB's from our skin and had another joint and finshed off the bottle of whiskey that Ross Hickock brought from his dad's mini bar and then went home.
As I was sitting in my living roon with Mike Haglund and my girlfriend, now my wife, my eye began itching like a street walker with crabs. I went into the bathroom and tried to look into my eye but could not see anything. I called my girlfriend in to get a better look. As she looked into my face I saw the looked of "Oh Shit, I'm going to throw up" in her face. Realizing that this was different from the normal throw up look she had when she looked at me, I said ......"what?" She said, "you have a pellet in your eye". Then she said, "not in the eye socket, it's in the white part of your eye..."
Knowing that my parents would not go to the store and buy me my regular Friday night twelve pack of Henry Weinhard's if they knew this, I talked my sister into going to the hospital with me. We concocted, with great detail that "our parents were in Tahiti and she was my caretaker while they were gone". She stuck to the story when we got to the hospital until the admitting nurse said, " Hi, What's your name". That bitch can't keep a secret. Within ten minutes the police were there because the hospital had to call them for any gun related incident.
Officer friendly rolled into the room I was in and while the Dr poked and prodded my eye socket like a virgin trying to find the hole for the first time, he porceeded to give me the once over. I told him that I was target shooting in my backyard and that a pellet ricocheted and hit me square in the eye. He said bluntly, "Bullshit, pellets smash when they hit something, they don't ricochet back 180 degrees". I tried to explain to him that it must have ricocheted off about 4 things, 45 degrees at a time. I tmade since to me at the time becuase I was high as a kite.
Officer friendly left after I would not divulge the truth and the Dr said to me, "well it's going to have to come out". I thought of course it is, we can't leave a pellet in my eye forever. I said "how do you pull it out". He replied, "I just told you, the eye is going to have to come out". Holy Fuck! Immediately I began to decide how I would wear my eye patch and what color would look good on me. Then it hit me, how do you take an eye out?
Procedures for taking an eye out:
- Have the patient lay on his side with his face over a sterile dish that looks like a small bed pan.
- Apply a mild sedative to the effected eye.
- Tell the patient to close the non-effected eye because he will still be able to see out the effected eye once it has been removed and that can make you sick to your stomach.
- Take a untesile that looks like a set of spoons and press them into the sides of the eye socket.
- Wait for a slight sucking sound as the eyes is pulled from the socket and air seeps into your eye socket.
- Extract pellet from said eye.
- Wash eye socket with generous portions of saline solution.
- Then take another utensile that looks like a four sided vise grip and use it to gently open the eye socket.
- Reinsert eye
- Remove utensile
- Apply a medicated gel generously to the eye. Not hat kind of gel!
- Apply patch.
- Proceed to berate patient for being an idiot.
- Tell patient your parents are here and they are pissed.
There goes my Henry Weinhard...............Stupid Dr.
This was only one of the times in my life that I have had to wear a patch over my eye for an extended period of time.
This was one of the Stupid Things Notmybike......has done.