Hit a wall yesterday, despite a great start enjoying much of eastern Oklahoma and northern Arkansas, I'm afraid that I let my emotions get a bit on top of me.
Before I even hit California, I started telling myself not to rush home. I always seem to pick up the pace once I start the return path and forget the journey and focus on the destination. Someone in here (sorry, can't find your post at the moment) cautioned me not to be in too much of a hurry to get home, because as soon as I arrive I'll wish I was out here again. But there's snow on the ground at home and a weather window is about to open that will allow me safe passage home. So I've picked up the pace a bit lately.
I was ok with it until a call home yesterday reminded me that all the reasons that prompted me to take this trip will still be there waiting for me when I get home, and a few more like a leaky roof and downed trees to add to my unrewarding to-do list. I suddenly felt like a drunk who just climbed out of the bottle to discover all of those problems are still waiting for him when he sobered up. Now, with only 1300 miles left in my journey I don't really want to go home but I don't have any other place to go.
I didn't make as much progress as I had hoped for on this trip, I had even flirted with the idea of not coming home until I had a job, but that seemed like an unnecessary artificial amount of pressure that would be more of a burden for others. I knew when I left that I might not accomplish anything more than going for a ride and making some great memories, and for that I'm very grateful. Still, I'm a little sad and disappointed in myself for not putting more energy into finding my purpose. I know that it doesn't really end when I pull in the driveway, but still there's a sadness that I can't seem to shake.
I have made some great memories so far and those will keep me warm in the winter of my years. I know that attitude is everything and that once I get my head screwed on correctly I can get focused and get to work, but at the moment the threads just don't seem to line up.
Thanks to Nictrolis, I keep hearing Morgan Freeman say "get busy living, or get busy dying". Now if I could just figure out how to turn that into motion. At the moment it just feels like burning fuel and making miles without direction or purpose.
Just keep breathing.