Powerful update. Not the one I wanted to see when asking where you've been, but at the same time goes pretty deep showing the internal feelings that can be had on trips like these. Sometimes it's not as great as some people might think. That being said, you have had your FAIR share of bad luck.
I'm behind you man! You always resort to the "living the dream", and you're doing the right thing. It's testing but you're living life!