Dear DB (that's DB not DBD),
Now, let's be frank. This is where you either understand me or get offended. It's up to you.
You don't know me from Grizzly Adams, so while your input is mucho kind and appreciated you're going to have to refer back to the bit near the end in post 4822
where I mentioned about telling people why they are wrong. Now don't misunderstand, but I'm going to take your reasonable & logical suggestion that I volunteer somewhere as a template to set out a wider proposition, which is that I have tried everything I can think of already. Already.
I have a 25 year plus history of working in the scrag-end corners of the music/film business (tho/ough with no success you would have heard of, & as an aside it's less of a 'business' & more of a loose confederation of cunts* ripping each other off), and a reasonable portion of this was spent doing something worthwhile by building an internationally successful Community Youth Music Project called Soundstudio
here in the F
ingdoms, for which I raised around £750k of external funding. That all went sour because I am insufficiently anodyne & flaccid for local government work, where you're not really supposed to achieve anything because it shows ones colleagues up as the useless tossers that they generally are. And so after (by mistake) making me employee of the year from their 14000 staff they got jittery & locked me in an attic like an embarrassing Bronte-esque relative before taking me thru constructive dismissal as previously described on this thread. Once those juggernauts get rolling there's no stopping them.
Anyway long before I did this I worked at this other arts centre place (with Pjcr12 as deputy then full director), and so some-when more than a couple of years ago I approached them to see if there were any opportunities in fields I had a background in, or even just serving coffee behind the bar during daytime sessions (NB. Peter had left some time before). They well knew what I was capable of, but also knew that I was (am) an unbearable sick cunt, so it took towards a year to be allowed in to do the coffee bar on a Tuesday morning. Fair enough I thought, walk in under the radar & see what possibilities could be developed, or just do it for the sake of the doing of it. The eventual answer was that unfortunately nothing was picked up or developed so I withdrew from doing it in January after maybe over a year at the coffee jug. I was privately warned off applying for the upcoming post of casual sound & lighting engineer (my trade!) and this general sense of suppression melded with the death of Pjcr12 and a lot of conversations where I had to bite my tongue from telling some centre users discussing his death just quite how acutely he thought they were useless bastards littering the world with shit art
. During my time there I hope I continued my long heritage of working with all sorts of people from all sorts of backgrounds & communities, particularly those from Disabled (or as I prefer, Differently Able) Communities, trying to understand their experiences & reflect on my own life thru/ough considering theirs as you suggest. I just couldn't make what I was doing there go
anywhere because I am the aforementioned unsociable & understandably dislikeable cunt
, and even if the simple doing of it would have been enough it came to the point where I was going to be very
unpopular for saying the truth & I just wasn't fit to be seen out in public any longer. I wasn't going to be able to hold in the comments that would have seen me kicked out.
I know that you were perhaps referring to the volunteer thing simply as an example of what might be attempted, but I have the unfortunate responsibility of telling you that it was
attempted with some vigour (there and at other examples I'll spare you) and it didn't work. Sorry. I also have the unfortunate duty of reminding you that, with reference to your example, Edison was apparently a capitalist charlatan who did very little if any of the 1000 different attempts at the light bulb himself but instead built a village full of underpaid boffins whose hard work he claimed as tho/ough he were some kind of scientific Ringling Brother taking credit for the Elephants herculean acrobatics as if they were his own. I understand the general 'try, try & try again' point you are making but forgive me, that's not an example of fortitude & persistence, more of unbridled exploitation & overpowering unconscionable ego :-D Sorry.
Your reasonable & kind suggestion that I scoot off somewhere different is, I'm afraid, not something that I have not tried on a number of occasions too. I believe I covered it all when I used the phrase 'so I go nowhere because of who I am when I get there' in the original post. Granted such a short phrase doesn't give you a lot of clues that this might be the case, but then there's such a panoramic plethora of shit going on that I have to compress some of it or I'd be sitting here forever, which I am anyway. I succeeded with something like Soundstudio due to a fit-for-purpose product, a good sales pitch & fine intuitive lateral thinking/problem solving skills, and as I said I have applied every ounce of all of my capability to solving my past/current/permanent predicament, and I hope that after this illustrative series of explanations you may have some faith in the veracity of that statement.
So I do appreciate your time & energy and kind thoughts and I'm happy to keep up with a challenge as you suggest, but with all due modesty & not an ounce of condescension might I please suggest that we begin the challenge by trying to think of something I've not already thought of? I know I'm coming off like a twat (which I am) who is determined for things to be all out of whack** (I'm not, they just are), but honestly, it's not as if I've not given it some thought already. Already.
Thanks for your time & consideration.
* More cunts. You'd have thought I would fit in, but they're a different breed of cunts...
** I was recently described by my dear friend who lives in the middle of a castle in France thusly - "
You are about the most eloquent permanent moaner I have ever encountered" :-D
PS - If you don't mind I will post this PM reply on the thread (with one link redacted) so we can all keep up to date with ongoing attempts to find a way out of this shit until we stumble across something that's not occurred to me.
Edit: I should make a small clarification regarding the length of time it took to get behind the coffee bar. The placement itself was arranged quite promptly by a worker at the centre who I have always found to be both effective & efficient, as well as responsive to initiatives. It was the lead up to that interaction that took the time. I don't have a problem that it took time, but it took time. That's all.