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Old 08-31-2011, 04:40 AM   #1
Dirty Hairy
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Joined: Nov 2008
Location: NE Ohio
Oddometer: 510
The BEST Continental Divide ride report EVER!

What a great title. Too bad it's full of crap. I needed something to lure people in here. You know that urban myth about the 2 hot chicks that lure you back to a hotel room in Vegas, with promises of a sordid 3-way affair of your dreams? Only you wake up in a foggy stupor, in a tub full of ice, with key internal organs missing? Well, I'm those hot chicks.

You see, there is a problem. There are already 604,347 ride reports about the Continental Divide, with nearly 1,456,803 photos documenting every inch of the route. There are longstanding efforts by Big Dog and Questor. And more recent ones by Woodworks and others. But then that sonofabitch Cannonshot came in here and laid down the law. An epic. Pictures of everything, multiple informative sidetrips, and the holy grail of GPS information. Why bother reporting anymore. They should just close the trail. Done.

So what should I do? I had a great ride. I've got some nice pictures. But I'm sitting in front of my computer kinda feeling like this:

But then I had an idea. I think I will tee this report up ... back up and take a deep breath ... line it up ... little practice swing, nice and easy ... another deep breath ... exhale ... nice, full backswing .... and ...

slice this motherf*cker way into the woods. It's bound to ricochet and bounce somewhere interesting. And if not, it might be funny to watch me try to whack it out of the pine needles to get it back on track. Be forewarned: this report may (will) contain poor humor, lame attempts at sarcasm, and may offend 93.79% of the general public. The other 6.34% may actually crack a moderate smile (I know the numbers don't add up. I'm too lazy to get a calculator out shithead.)

Oh, almost forgot. You are supposed to post a pic to whet the whistle a bit, and get people to stick around. So, with that in mind, I searched through my stack and pulled out the most mundane, lame ass pic in the bunch. You know the one. The one with your stupid ass motorcycle anchored in a corner. Like this:

Is anyone still with me at this point?

Disclaimer: Cannonshot is not really a sonofabitch. His RR was super helpful to me, as were the others that I mentioned. If anything I have said up to this point has been found offensive by you, you need to turn and run. It's only going to get worse from here.
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Old 08-31-2011, 04:48 AM   #2
Dirty Hairy
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Joined: Nov 2008
Location: NE Ohio
Oddometer: 510
Days 1-3
Like 1800 miles-ish.

Alright, here we go. The first issue arises:

God damn the Midwest sucks it on the interstate. The only good thing is that the states are small, so it feels like you are making progress as you cross state lines. Until you try to go through Chicago. Why do people want to live with such congestion? Anyway, I sat in 88 degree heat in stop-and-go traffic for an hour and a half. F Chicago. On the northern side, the traffic let up, only to be replaced by a torrential downpour. It was so bad that CARS were stopped under the bridge with me to hide from it. After a few minutes, I felt a sensation on my feet. Do I need to waterproof my boots? No. The damn underside of the bridge is FLOODING, and the water is now shin deep and leaking in. So, out into the douche-fest we go. The only plus side is stanking up your free hotel room (points) at the end of the day with all your wet shit:

Out west the states are all day affairs. They clearly got lazy with making new states. Then, at some point in the wide open of eastern Montana, the soaking committee decided to meet with me again. Only this time, I had miles and miles of open road ahead of me. So I started playing one of those Time/Speed/Distance problems that they used to torture you with in school. "A man on a motorcycle is travelling north at 75 miles per hour. A rainstorm with lightning is approaching from the west at 35 miles per hour. How many minutes will it take for the two to meet?" Or, better yet, how friggin' fast do I have to go to outrun this shit? I tried 80 for a bit, but that wasn't enough. 85? Nope? 90 looked promising for a while, but the crazy crosswinds from the left had me riding sidesaddle, laying down on my tank, with my left hand on top of the triple to minimize my profile. There was no winning this one. It's bizarre how fast you will exceed the posted speed limit in order to avoid putting on your raingear.

The rain storm was approaching fast now from the west. I could smell the damp soil at this point:

Little rain drops were beginning to burst on my shield. I looked left to see the solid rain sheet about 500 yards out from me. And just like that - *squeak* - it's as if someone just turned off the faucet. I watched in disbelief of the last bit of rain dropped to the ground, like a curtain falling from a rod to the floor. I looked straight up to watch the dark clouds harden up on the bottom, and move off to the east:

Oh yeah. I almost forgot. Coming across Indiana, 3 other riders with GS boxers (the BMW engine, not the men's underpants) passed me on the turnpike. That means 4 of the 6 GS riders from Ohio were all on the same road at the same time. Creepy. A little while later, I saw one of them in a long, hot line of cars waiting to move forward to pay his toll at the booth. I eased off the throttle, and worked left to go past him and through the EZ-PASS (or i-PASS or jizz-boxx or any of the myriad of names each state seems to come up with for the same damn thing) lane, only to find his 2 buddies patiently waiting for him (probably sweating their ass off) on the other side. Oh, THAT guy. They brought HIM. PITA guy. $20,000 bike, but too cheap to spring for the EZ-PASS. THAT guy. They are probably still waiting for him somewhere. Left his ID or credit card at home.

That brings us to our first (start humming a cliche TV infomercial jingle here) PRODUCT REVIEW!

Disclaimer: Sorry THAT guy. You are probably a competent rider, and a fun dude to have around. But you blew it on this one. Read the following product review and see how easy it is to avoid public humiliation on the internet.
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Old 08-31-2011, 08:07 AM   #3
Joined: Aug 2009
Location: Phoenix, AZ
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Great start
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Old 08-31-2011, 09:20 AM   #4
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Location: Rocky Mountain High
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Excellent start - looking forward to your report

It's actually fun reading other peoples reports having just traveled the route.

Plus....ANYONE with one of Neil's drum heads as his avatar is alright in my book!
2011 530 EXC | 2010 990 ADV | 2006 FLHTXI (figure that out)
If the only tool you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail
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Old 08-31-2011, 09:57 AM   #5
Joined: Oct 2009
Location: Hesperus, CO
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In. Pretty darn entertaining already.
All things being equal... fat people use more soap
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Old 08-31-2011, 11:12 AM   #6
Having a Nice Time
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This is looking pretty good!
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Old 08-31-2011, 03:50 PM   #7
Deaf on Wheels
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Location: Prescott, Arizona, USA
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...gonna see a lot of "sh*t" words but his writin' is gonna be good. Subscribed.
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Old 08-31-2011, 04:19 PM   #8
Joined: Oct 2010
Location: Chesapeake, Ohio
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I'm in, I think its a good start!

Unfortunately I can relate to the 240 yard slice out into the woods...
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Old 08-31-2011, 06:46 PM   #9
Dirty Hairy
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Joined: Nov 2008
Location: NE Ohio
Oddometer: 510
Originally Posted by Hugerush View Post
It's actually fun reading other peoples reports having just traveled the route.

Plus....ANYONE with one of Neil's drum heads as his avatar is alright in my book!
The fact that you know whose drum head that is makes you an official RUSH dork!
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Old 08-31-2011, 06:47 PM   #10
Dirty Hairy
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Joined: Nov 2008
Location: NE Ohio
Oddometer: 510
Originally Posted by Cannonshot View Post
This is looking pretty good!
Thanks for not taking my shots too seriously!
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Old 08-31-2011, 07:04 PM   #11
Dirty Hairy
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Joined: Nov 2008
Location: NE Ohio
Oddometer: 510
So, I needed a way to mount an EZ-PASS without some ridickulous contraption on my handlebars. And cheap. And quick to remove. No RAM mount overkill > I only need it a few days a year. I found a bicycle map case that mounts to handlebars east schmeasy. Its made by Detours, and its called a Clipper. Buy one at a local bicycle shop or on the internets somewhere. $15

Heres how it works.

Step 1: Buy the Clipper.
Step 2: Go out in the garage and steal your wife's EZ-Pass.
Step 3: Put your junk in that box:

Step 4: Stretch this little guy around your bars:

Step 5: And 'clip' it on. Clipper, get it?

Now, when you stop to take a whiz at the rest stop, you can just pop it off real quick and stick it in your pocket. Cause there is ALWAYS that one dude loitering around the rest stop looking at your bike. I went a whole post without saying sh*t.
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Old 08-31-2011, 07:16 PM   #12
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NCD - This is going to be great. I know, because I know that miserable Chicago transit from the east. All I ask is that you get her done by Sep 18. That is the day I begin Cannonshot's tracks.

I shipped my tiddler out there just today...
Straight ahead and faster -Bo Weaver 1970
"There I was..." -Griffin Niner Three Hotel
"One day closer to a parade..." Jonny Gomes, spring training 2013
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Old 08-31-2011, 07:20 PM   #13
Beastly Adventurer
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Joined: Nov 2006
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In....I like your style. Now quit screwing around and get back to posting. I mean's been 15 minutes.
2008 Suzuki DL 650....Wee Strom
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Old 08-31-2011, 07:23 PM   #14
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Joined: Apr 2010
Location: Sierra Vista, AZ
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That graphic with, my shit, whole lotta flat shit, and the good shit killed me
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Old 08-31-2011, 07:56 PM   #15
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Joined: Jul 2008
Location: So. Oregon
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I'm sorry man, but I'm totally confused. What's a clipper again? And, step put your junk in your wife's box? I think I'm going to like this afterall.
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I'll die with this hammer in my hand.
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