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Old 11-12-2012, 06:56 PM   #2251
Backonthebike
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Location: Adelaide, South Australia
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Clancy View Post
Are you having a go at me?
Nah Clance, as I near 60, it all rings a bit true. Keep having to go back to my local the next morning to retreive my:
  1. Spectacles; or
  2. Wallet; or
  3. Smokes; or
  4. Credit Card left behind the bar; or
  5. Frozen dinner bought at the 7 Day 20 minutes before rolling out of the pub.
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Old 11-16-2012, 12:42 AM   #2252
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Negotiating A Pay Rise

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”

Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first is that I iron better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”

Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”

Wife: “Oh yeah?”

Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”

Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”

Maria: “Jor hozban did”

Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”

Maria: “The third reason is that I am better than you in the bed.”

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”

Maria: “No Señora… The gardener did.”


Wife: “So how much do you want?”
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Old 11-18-2012, 04:47 AM   #2253
gavo
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Old 11-19-2012, 06:11 PM   #2254
BergDonk
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It's not difficult to make a woman happy

A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes ...

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes



HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol

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Old 11-20-2012, 04:48 AM   #2255
Dusty Rhodes
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A new sperm bank had a shocker of an opening day.
Only three donors turned up and two of them came on the bus.
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Old 11-20-2012, 04:53 AM   #2256
gunnabuild1
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A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune.

"One Australian SAS soldier is better than ten Taliban".

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls out

"One Australian SAS soldier is better than one hundred Taliban".

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The Australian voice calls out again

"One Australian SAS soldier is better than one thousand Taliban".

The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fightersandsends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,

"Don't send any more men,

it's a trap, ...

There's actually two of them."
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Old 11-20-2012, 05:00 AM   #2257
gunnabuild1
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On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"
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Old 11-21-2012, 03:15 AM   #2258
Worm Burner
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Location: Lower Wonga Qld
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old dogs

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.




The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.


The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.


The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"


Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says .......


"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"


Moral of this story...


Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience
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Old 11-21-2012, 03:15 PM   #2259
Phil_Fong
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gunnabuild1 View Post
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"

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Old 11-21-2012, 05:10 PM   #2260
richo360
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Joined: Sep 2011
Location: Bottom of the barrel and still digging
Oddometer: 875
FOR THE ROMANTICS:


A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time.
You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'

She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.
He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.
She said 'I looked up beautiful climbing rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence no good in an open bed.
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Old 11-21-2012, 05:23 PM   #2261
100mpg
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gunnabuild1 View Post
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune.

"One Australian SAS soldier is better than ten Taliban".

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls out

"One Australian SAS soldier is better than one hundred Taliban".

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The Australian voice calls out again

"One Australian SAS soldier is better than one thousand Taliban".

The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fightersandsends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander,

"Don't send any more men,

it's a trap, ...

There's actually two of them."
__________________
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"I'd rather wake up in the middle of nowhere than in any city on Earth" - Steve McQueen
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255). DSI #694
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Old 11-25-2012, 03:53 PM   #2262
BergDonk
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Location: Snowy Mountains Oz
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The Australian, the Frenchman and the Canadian were bragging about their sexual escapades with their respective wives.

“After I have zee sex wiz my wife’” said the Frenchman, “I cover her wiz crepes suzette and eat it sensually off her silky bare skin. She becomes so excited she rises centimetres off ze bed.”

“After I screw my wife,” drawled the Canadian, “I pour maple syrup on her and lick it off slowly. She’s in so much goddam ecstasy she rises feet off the bed.”

“Me?”, says the Aussie. “When I’ve finished with my old lady I wipe my dick on the curtains and she hits the roof!”
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BergDonk screwed with this post 11-25-2012 at 04:01 PM
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Old 11-25-2012, 05:06 PM   #2263
100mpg
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Location: ionally finished in this space.
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thats funny but last time i heard that I fell off my dinosaur.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BergDonk View Post
The Australian, the Frenchman and the Canadian were bragging about their sexual escapades with their respective wives.

“After I have zee sex wiz my wife’” said the Frenchman, “I cover her wiz crepes suzette and eat it sensually off her silky bare skin. She becomes so excited she rises centimetres off ze bed.”

“After I screw my wife,” drawled the Canadian, “I pour maple syrup on her and lick it off slowly. She’s in so much goddam ecstasy she rises feet off the bed.”

“Me?”, says the Aussie. “When I’ve finished with my old lady I wipe my dick on the curtains and she hits the roof!”
__________________
Don't drive like my brother!
"I'd rather wake up in the middle of nowhere than in any city on Earth" - Steve McQueen
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255). DSI #694
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Old 11-25-2012, 08:46 PM   #2264
NordieBoy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 100mpg View Post
thats funny but last time i heard that I fell off my dinosaur.
You sound like a BMW rider
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Old 11-26-2012, 04:40 AM   #2265
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Location: Melbourne, AUS
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BergDonk View Post
The Australian, the Frenchman and the Canadian were bragging about their sexual escapades with their respective wives.

“After I have zee sex wiz my wife’” said the Frenchman, “I cover her wiz crepes suzette and eat it sensually off her silky bare skin. She becomes so excited she rises centimetres off ze bed.”

“After I screw my wife,” drawled the Canadian, “I pour maple syrup on her and lick it off slowly. She’s in so much goddam ecstasy she rises feet off the bed.”

“Me?”, says the Aussie. “When I’ve finished with my old lady I wipe my dick on the curtains and she hits the roof!”
Quote:
Originally Posted by 100mpg View Post
thats funny but last time i heard that I fell off my dinosaur.
you were having sex with your dinosaur?



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I hate it when the voices in my head go silent...
˙˙˙buıuuɐןd ǝɹɐ sɹǝʞɔnɟ ǝsoɥʇ ʇɐɥʍ ʍouʞ ɹǝʌǝu ı
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