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Old 01-19-2013, 07:50 PM   #2311
K88
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An old one - dunno if it's been on here before:

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Old 01-19-2013, 08:13 PM   #2312
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Three Nun's on Bikes

Three Nun's were riding their off road adventure bikes up in the mountains when all of a sudden they hit a blind corner at high speed and met their end.

The next moment all three find them selves standing at the pearly gates of heaven and large angel standing in front.

The Angel said "Before I can let you in, you each need to answer a question I have for you"

The Angel said to the first Nun "Who was the first man on earth?"

The first Nun said "Easy! that would be Adam" Bells chimed the pearly gates opened and in went the first Nun

The Angel said to the second Nun "Who was the first woman on earth?"

The second Nun said "Easy! that would be Eve" Bells chimed the pearly gates opened and in went the second Nun

The Angel said to the third Nun "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"

The third Nun was a little shocked at the degree of difficulty of her question "Gee that's a hard one!" she said.

Bells chimed the pearly gates opened and in went the third Nun.

Wasca screwed with this post 01-19-2013 at 09:01 PM
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Old 01-20-2013, 01:22 AM   #2313
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An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.
The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.
The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you. Australia 's smartest woman took my schoolbag."
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Old 01-20-2013, 04:38 AM   #2314
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Originally Posted by What's his Face View Post
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.
The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.
The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you. Australia 's smartest woman took my schoolbag."
In my wildest dreams we would be this lucky..............
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Old 01-21-2013, 08:49 PM   #2315
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He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth........in and out...in and out.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted................



"OK, OK! So I can't park the fucking car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!"



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Old 01-22-2013, 04:01 PM   #2316
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Wile E. Coyote Sues ACME Corp.

Wile E. Coyote Sues ACME Corp.

COYOTE V. ACME
In the United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona
Case No. B19294, Judge Joan Kujava, Presiding

Wile E. Coyote, Plaintiff -v.- Acme Company, Defendant


Opening Statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote: My
client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states,
does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer
and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware
and doing business in every state, district, and territory. Mr. Coyote
seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and
mental suffering caused as a direct result of the actions and/or gross
negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code,
Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability.

Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has
purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that
company's mail-order department, certain products which did cause him
bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary
labelling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are at
present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries
sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a
living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus
not eligible for Workmen's Compensation.

Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via
parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use
the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the
Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and,
sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote
gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and
precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifty
feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot forward with a
violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him
unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such
speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along its path, the Rocket Sled
soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he
was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted
to follow this maneuver but was unable to, due to poorly designed steering
on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly
thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr.
Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.

Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared
by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures,
contusions, and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this
collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head
(excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four
legs.

Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to
support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to
mobility one pair of Acme Rocket Skates. When he attempted to use this
product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably similar to
that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the
counter, without caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in
this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision for
passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of
the Rocket Skates soon after strapping them on, and collided with a
roadside billboard so violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full
silhouette.

Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this
document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of Defendant:
the Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc.
(For a full listing, see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalogue and
attached deposition, entered in evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe
to say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote
performed in an expected manner. To cite just one example: At the expense
of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer
rim of butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and
spiralling downward around it to some few feet above a black X painted on
the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical
explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down
to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a generous
pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme
Bomb (Catalogue # 78-832), climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote's
prey, seeing the birdseed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light
the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb
to detonate.

In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparations to naught,
the premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in the following
disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:
1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle.
2. Sooty discoloration.
3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the
aftershock with a creaking noise.
4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling,
and ashy disintegration.
5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.

We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of
these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D.
Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of
the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date no
explanation has been found for this product's sudden and extreme
malfunction. As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself:
two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high
tensile strength and compressed in a tightly coiled position by a cocking
device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believed that this product would
enable him to pounce upon this prey in the initial moments of the chase,
when swift reflexes are at a premium.

To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed
them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the
boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to frequent. Mr.
Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in
readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within
a short time Mr. Coyote's prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward
him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within the range
of the springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care
and proceeded to pull the lanyard release.

At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward
and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme
Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the
intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in air. Then
the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first
collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head and forequarters
falling upon his lower extremities.

The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon
Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The
boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce
down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its
velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact with the boulder, or
the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact
with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued for
some time.

The sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr.
Coyote, viz., flattening of the cranium, sideways displacement of the
tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of
vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a vertical
axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr. Coyote's body
tissues - a rare and painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote to expand
upward and contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit an
off-key, accordion-like wheezing with every step. The distracting and
embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr.
Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life.

As the Court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of
manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is our
contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment of
the consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites,
Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much
as he has come to mistrust Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote had no other
domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our
trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a
situation, where a giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in
the most reckless and wrongful manner over and over again.

Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger
economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of
seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages
(missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of
one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering, injury to
reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred
and fifty thousand dollars. Total damages: thirty-eight million seven
hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount,
this Court will censure Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders,
successors, and assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm
the right of the individual predator to equal protection under the law.
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Old 01-22-2013, 04:08 PM   #2317
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Quote:
Originally Posted by What's his Face View Post
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.
The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.
The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you. Australia 's smartest woman took my schoolbag."
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Old 01-23-2013, 02:20 PM   #2318
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Old 01-23-2013, 02:49 PM   #2319
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SYDADVGS View Post
Anyone know how to get a cup of tea out of your keyboard
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and miles to go before I sleep" ( Robert Frost)

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Old 01-24-2013, 02:23 PM   #2320
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The Wooden Ball
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
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Old 01-27-2013, 03:46 AM   #2321
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Old 01-28-2013, 05:19 PM   #2322
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Originally Posted by SYDADVGS View Post
So now we have a drug user supporting Collingwood, as well as drug users playing for the team.
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Old 01-29-2013, 06:37 AM   #2323
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An Ausie a Kiwi and an Irish man walk into a bar, and the barman says "what is this, some kind of joke" ?
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Old 01-31-2013, 03:58 PM   #2324
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A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his laptop.
"And what will your third wish be?"
The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"
"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing; because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."
"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads."
"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever,
"That was your first wish, too!"
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Old 02-04-2013, 04:41 PM   #2325
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It is well known that humour is regional, but this is the
first joke that I can say is truly Queensland: At a
national conference of the Australian Hotels Association,
the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys
(New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and
Coopers (South Australia) found themselves sitting at the
same table for lunch.


When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of
Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."


The head of Carlton & United smiled and said, "Make mine a VB."


To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers,
the King of Beers."


And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the
cleanest draught on the planet."


The General Manager of XXXX paused a moment and then placed
his order: "I'll have a Diet Coke."


The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head.
"Well, he said with a shrug, if you poofters aren't
drinking beer, then neither will I."
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