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Old 12-05-2012, 06:34 PM   #2266
What's his Face
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Location: bundaberg australia
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Fantastic News from Centrelink…………………….




LATEST NEWS

نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما







If I hear anything else, I'll let you know.
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Old 12-05-2012, 06:49 PM   #2267
itsgunnahurt
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Quote:
Originally Posted by What's his Face View Post
Fantastic News from Centrelink…………………….




LATEST NEWS

نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما







If I hear anything else, I'll let you know.
Man.. that is deep.. too many shadows and staring eyes at the wall
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Old 12-06-2012, 10:53 PM   #2268
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The wife's back on the warpath again - she was up for making a home movie last night and all I did, was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.....
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Old 12-06-2012, 10:58 PM   #2269
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Someone told me the other day that Ellen Degenres died--------------------------------





They found her face down in Ricki Lake
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Old 12-06-2012, 11:08 PM   #2270
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When my wife came home she found the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the couch having done nothing but drink beer and watch cricket all day.

She yelled, "Watch yourself, mister, or you're going to make me do something I don't want to do."

"Wow," I thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a blowjob out of this."


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Old 12-06-2012, 11:14 PM   #2271
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I was talking to my mate Kev in the pub.

I said, "I've just got a tattoo of my wife's face right across my back".

Kev said, "Wow, you must really love her?"

I said, "Not really ... It's likely I'll be going to prison tomorrow and I'm hoping it'll put people off".



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Old 12-17-2012, 03:31 PM   #2272
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variation on the dog

10 Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman

  • 10. A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
  • 09. Christmas trees don't get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
  • 08. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
  • 07. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
  • 06. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
  • 05. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you look up underneath it.
  • 04. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
  • 03. A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
  • 02. A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
  • 01. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

  • Why doesn’t Santa have any children ?Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it’s down the chimney.
  • Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
  • What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ?Snowballs.
  • Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?Because the snowblower was coming down the block.
  • How did the chickens dance at the Christmas party?Chick to chick!
  • What do monkeys sing at Christmas?Jungle Bells, Jungle bells!
  • What’s easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman??A snowwoman is easier to make, ’cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and pack all that extra snow into balls to make its testicles!!
  • On the first Xmas, the first of three Wise Men stepped carefully into the stable but sank his golden slipper into a big pile of manure.”Jesus Christ!” he yelled.The woman beside the manger turned to her husband and said, “Now, Joseph, isn’t that a better name for the kid than Irving?”
  • Why is Santa Claus always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
  • What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve ?They go into town, and blow a few bucks.
  • What did the big candle say to the little candle?I’m going out tonight!
  • What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?Cross mouse cards!
  • What does Father Christmas write on his Christmas cards?A – ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ (No-L!!)!
  • Where do mistletoe go to become famous?
    “Holly” wood!
  • Why are women’s breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
    Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.
  • How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
    They both have ornamental balls.
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Old 12-17-2012, 03:47 PM   #2273
Dusty Rhodes
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Why do pirates call Christmas Chistmas ....?



Because there's no arrrrrrrrrr in Chismas.
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Old 12-17-2012, 06:44 PM   #2274
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Little Timmy writes to Santa

Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones



Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.

Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus



Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs Nice” contract,set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,
Tim Jones



Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,
S Claus



Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone



Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your sh*t wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now; you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy



Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.

Timmy



Timmy,
That’s what I thought you little bast*rd.

Santa
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˙˙˙buıuuɐןd ǝɹɐ sɹǝʞɔnɟ ǝsoɥʇ ʇɐɥʍ ʍouʞ ɹǝʌǝu ı
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Old 12-17-2012, 09:30 PM   #2275
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Man walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep,his wife is on the bed reading a book,man say's "This is the pig I F#%k when you have a headache!" Wife looks up and say's "I think you will find that is a sheep". Husband say's "I think you will find I was talking to the sheep!"
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Old 12-17-2012, 10:52 PM   #2276
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Look out for angry Santa

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eric66 View Post
Man walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep,his wife is on the bed reading a book,man say's "This is the pig I F#%k when you have a headache!" Wife looks up and say's "I think you will find that is a sheep". Husband say's "I think you will find I was talking to the sheep!"
I think you just made the naughty list.
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Old 12-17-2012, 11:35 PM   #2277
richo360
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eric66 View Post
Man walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep,his wife is on the bed reading a book,man say's "This is the pig I F#%k when you have a headache!" Wife looks up and say's "I think you will find that is a sheep". Husband say's "I think you will find I was talking to the sheep!"
Just wonderin' if or how I go about telling her that one......
yes? No?
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Old 12-17-2012, 11:37 PM   #2278
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Quote:
Originally Posted by richo360 View Post
Just wonderin' if or how I go about telling her that one......
yes? No?
They are your balls..........................
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Old 12-18-2012, 12:30 AM   #2279
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They are your balls..........................
Not for long...
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Old 12-18-2012, 08:24 PM   #2280
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ELECTRICAL THEORY BY JOSEPH LUCAS



Positive ground depends on proper circuit functioning, which is the
transmission of negative ions by retention of the visible spectral
manifestation known as “smoke”.
Smoke is the thing that makes electrical circuits work. We know this to be
true because every time one lets the smoke out of an electrical circuit,
it stops working. This can be verified repeatedly through empirical
testing.





For example, if one places a copper bar across the terminals of a battery,
prodigious quantities of smoke are liberated and the battery shortly
ceases to function. In addition, if one observes smoke escaping from an
electrical component such as a Lucas voltage regulator, it will also be
observed that the component no longer functions. The logic is elementary
and inescapable!



The function of the wiring harness is to conduct the smoke from one device
to another. When the wiring springs a leak and lets all the smoke out of
the system, nothing works afterward.



Starter motors were considered unsuitable for British motorcycles for some
time largely because they consumed large quantities of smoke, requiring
very unsightly large wires.



It has been reported that Lucas electrical components are possibly more
prone to electrical leakage than their Bosch, Japanese or American
counterparts. Experts point out that this is because Lucas is British, and
all things British leak. British engines leak oil, British shock
absorbers, hydraulic forks and disk brake systems leak fluid, British
tires leak air and British Intelligence leaks national defense secrets.

Therefore, it follows that British electrical systems must leak smoke.
Once again, the logic is clear and inescapable.

In conclusion, the basic concept of transmission of electrical energy in
the form of smoke provides a logical explanation of the mysteries of
electrical components especially British units manufactured by Joseph
Lucas, Ltd.

And remember: “A gentleman does not motor about after dark.”

Joseph Lucas “The Prince of Darkness”
1842-1903
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