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Old 04-25-2007, 03:40 AM   #31
bigdag
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Location: Hunter valley (Watagans, Barringtons, Liverpools)
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Ok

I stand corrected
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Old 04-25-2007, 04:04 AM   #32
monoman
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TouringDave
This one from my 7 year old son, (he doesn't get it)

Q. "What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A. "Lickalotapuss"
Do you?
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Old 04-25-2007, 04:38 AM   #33
Autostream
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Quote:
Originally Posted by monoman
Do you?
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Old 04-25-2007, 07:15 PM   #34
TouringDave
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Location: Frankston, Vic, Aust.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by monoman
Do you?
Took me a while to get it, why do you ask?
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Old 04-25-2007, 07:49 PM   #35
Mototrans
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ok....

for those outside Sydney, Campbeltown represents a bit of a lower socio economic demograph than represented by the median Sydney General demograph and are the proud owners of the Macquarie Fields riots.. so here we go...

Q: If you see a Campbeltown Boy riding a pushbike along the road, why should you try not to hit him..

A: Its probably your bike

Q: What do you call a Campeltown Boy in a suit?

A: The defendant

Q: What does a Campbeltown girl use for protection during sex?

A: A bus shelter
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Old 04-25-2007, 08:09 PM   #36
rosscoact
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I take no responsibility for this

Steve and Fiona were making passionate love in Steve's VW Van when suddenly Fiona, being a bit on the kinky side, yelled out "Oh fatboy, whip me, whip me!"
Steve, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opened the window, snapped the antenna off his van and proceeded to whip Fiona until they both collapsed in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, Fiona noticed that the marks left by the whipping session were starting to fester a bit, so she went to the doctor.
The doctor took one look at the wounds and asked, "Did you get these marks having sex??"
Fiona, embarrassed to own up to having kinky sex, eventually admitted that, yes, she did.





Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor said, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring, it's the worse case of van aerial disease I've ever seen."
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Old 04-25-2007, 08:11 PM   #37
rosscoact
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Location: Canberra ACT
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mototrans
for those outside Sydney, Campbeltown represents a bit of a lower socio economic demograph than represented by the median Sydney General demograph and are the proud owners of the Macquarie Fields riots.. so here we go...

Q: If you see a Campbeltown Boy riding a pushbike along the road, why should you try not to hit him..

A: Its probably your bike

Q: What do you call a Campeltown Boy in a suit?

A: The defendant

Q: What does a Campbeltown girl use for protection during sex?

A: A bus shelter
Whats the difference between a Campbelltown girl and a Campbelltown boy?

The Campbelltown girl has a higher sperm count
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Old 04-26-2007, 12:27 AM   #38
twotyred
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Joined: Feb 2006
Location: Bruthen Victoria
Oddometer: 1,734

TOP TIPS
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper,but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the bloody thing in the first place.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again .

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway,so it may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. Brilliant!
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Old 04-26-2007, 12:29 AM   #39
twotyred
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Location: Bruthen Victoria
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Quote:
Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree.

Some people around here had better watch out!!!
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Old 04-26-2007, 02:03 AM   #40
troy safari carpente
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So it's not a pirate joke... sue me!

A Swedish bloke was on holidays in Portugal to spectate at the European Cup football championships…

On one of the days - between matches - he had a few hours to kill and so he decided to wander into one of the brothel’s in the back streets of Lisabon…

Inside he was greeted by the Madame and asked what his preference was…
He said "I would like to be entertained by a Negress… please".

To that the Madame replied, "…Most certainly, just up the stairs, second door on the left… Chantel will be with you in just a few minutes."

The guy went upstairs to the room, sat down an waited… a few minutes later in walked a beautiful Caribbean beauty , she introduced herself and politely sat down on the bed.

"What would you like…" she said invitingly.

"Please disrobe and lie down on the bed." He said.

"Now part your legs… yes, good… a little wider please".
"Now I wonder if you would mind pulling back your labia with your fingers please… a little more thanks…. Now! That’s perfect, thank you."

And so, he stood there and looked intently at her sprawled out on the bed and thought to himself with hand pressed to his chin… "Hmmmmm…"

After a few seconds he said; "Okay, thankyou… you can get dressed now!" and pulled out a crisp 100 Euro note from his wallet for her…

"What?" she said a little confused… "Isn’t there something more you would like?"

"No" he replied, "You see I’m not kinky or anything like that… It’s just that I am re-decorating my bathroom back at home in Stockholm in a 60’s theme… and I was just curious as to how tan tiles and pink grout would look…"






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Quote:
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Old 04-26-2007, 06:32 AM   #41
Paves
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Joined: Apr 2006
Location: Mount Helena, Perth Hills
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only a Swede would think of a joke like that
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Old 04-26-2007, 01:02 PM   #42
Hunsta
Have guns will hunt
 
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Joined: Jan 2006
Location: Gympie Queensland Australia
Oddometer: 5,436
Quote:
Originally Posted by troy safari carpente
A Swedish bloke was on holidays in Portugal to spectate at the European Cup football championships…

On one of the days - between matches - he had a few hours to kill and so he decided to wander into one of the brothel’s in the back streets of Lisabon…

Inside he was greeted by the Madame and asked what his preference was…
He said "I would like to be entertained by a Negress… please".

To that the Madame replied, "…Most certainly, just up the stairs, second door on the left… Chantel will be with you in just a few minutes."

The guy went upstairs to the room, sat down an waited… a few minutes later in walked a beautiful Caribbean beauty , she introduced herself and politely sat down on the bed.

"What would you like…" she said invitingly.

"Please disrobe and lie down on the bed." He said.

"Now part your legs… yes, good… a little wider please".
"Now I wonder if you would mind pulling back your labia with your fingers please… a little more thanks…. Now! That’s perfect, thank you."

And so, he stood there and looked intently at her sprawled out on the bed and thought to himself with hand pressed to his chin… "Hmmmmm…"

After a few seconds he said; "Okay, thankyou… you can get dressed now!" and pulled out a crisp 100 Euro note from his wallet for her…

"What?" she said a little confused… "Isn’t there something more you would like?"

"No" he replied, "You see I’m not kinky or anything like that… It’s just that I am re-decorating my bathroom back at home in Stockholm in a 60’s theme… and I was just curious as to how tan tiles and pink grout would look…"






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Old 04-26-2007, 01:52 PM   #43
sidetrack one
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Location: hole shaven area
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Can someone roll out the "buccaneers,buccanhead" one. I forget!
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Old 04-26-2007, 03:33 PM   #44
gsd4me
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Joined: Dec 2005
Location: Brisbane, Australia
Oddometer: 6,790
Cuzzy/bro Rangi, was in London to see a test match between the All Blacks and the Poms.

He had been feeling a bit sore "down there" recently and decided to see a Harley Street specialist, who after an examination told him he would have to remove Rangis testicles.

Rangi was incensed. "No way you`re doing that," he said "I`m going to see a real doctor."

Rangi found a Kiwi doctor who was working in London and went to see him. The doctor also had a bit of a prod around and said, "bad news bro, I`m going to have cut your balls off".

"Is that all? Rangi said, relieved, "that`s ok then, that other bastard wanted to take my test tickets off me".
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Old 04-26-2007, 05:39 PM   #45
twotyred
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Location: Bruthen Victoria
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Chinese bride.


A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is not too experienced either.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.


"My darring" he says, "I know dis yoo firss time and you berry fwighten. I pwamis yoo, I gib yoo anyting you wan, I do anyting - juss ask...Anyting yoo wan. Whatchoo wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wan try someping I have hear about... Numbaa 69."


More thoughtful silence...this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries...


"Yoo wan... Chicken wiff Broccori?
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