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Old 05-08-2007, 04:18 AM   #76
mike cramb
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Location: Perth
Oddometer: 1,312
Quote:
Originally Posted by GTinAus
Gotta go back a cople of years for this one...

International micro surgeons conference, usual bullshit around the bar,

American microsurgeon, we re-attatched a torn hand off a factory worker, reconstructed it so well, he put 5 workers out of a job.

Pommy microsurgeon, thats nothing, we re-connected a workers two arms, and did such a good job, he now does the work of 20 men.

Australian microsurgeon, you blokes are up yourselves, we were walking down the street after a bit of a bender at the pub, caught a fart floating by, constructed an arsehole around it, then the rest of the body, called it Paul Keating, and he put the whole country out of work.

Here here, I hate that prick he caused me so much pain raising a family through the recession I could have done without.
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Old 05-08-2007, 05:18 PM   #77
Mouse
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Location: Sydney
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heard it on the radio the other day:

what did the chicken say to the egg after sex?















well, at least now we know who came first...
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Old 05-28-2007, 07:47 AM   #78
Paves
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Location: Mount Helena, Perth Hills
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A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, I have sinned; it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven, try to be stronger and take three Hail Mary's for your penance"
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, I have sinned; it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"
A new woman in the Parish," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "You are forgiven my son but try to be stronger and avoid temptation, go and say ten Hail Mary's for your Penance."
The following morning at mass, the priest is preparing to read the Gospel when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in the pew right in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy quietly replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."
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Old 06-25-2007, 11:42 PM   #79
Autostream
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Location: Belgrave, Victoria, Australia
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I'm happy - Its so simple being a male!

Obviously written by a jealour woman...

--Men Are Just Happier People--
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000, tux rental-$100 .
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
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Old 06-26-2007, 01:50 AM   #80
troy safari carpente
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Location: "Pearl of the sound" - f5ederation of scandwegia
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Everything has it's price...

And just for that...

... We have to be reminded of it every single, stinking, m...er f...ing minute of every goddamned hour of the day, three hundred and sixty four flamin' days of the year, year in year out, night and bloody day, till the blood runs out our ears.... don't we!?
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Old 06-26-2007, 03:10 AM   #81
bigdag
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Joined: Jun 2006
Location: Hunter valley (Watagans, Barringtons, Liverpools)
Oddometer: 850
Quote:
Originally Posted by Autostream
Obviously written by a jealous woman...

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

It's why sheilas have fannys.
To control us.
Its all that's left for our pleasure.
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Old 06-26-2007, 03:12 AM   #82
DrunkWombat
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Joined: Feb 2005
Location: Newcastle, NSW STRAYA
Oddometer: 2,210
Quote:
Originally Posted by Autostream
Obviously written by a jealour woman...

--Men Are Just Happier People--
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000, tux rental-$100 .
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
But they got bewbies...
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Old 06-26-2007, 03:16 AM   #83
Autostream
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Location: Belgrave, Victoria, Australia
Oddometer: 5,833
Quote:
Originally Posted by DrunkWombat955
But they got bewbies...
My Wife's always comes back to my....
"I can do (whatever) because I have a penis"
with...

"Ahhh! that may be, but I have one of these (pointing to Map of Tassy) and with this I can have as many of those as I want..."
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Old 06-26-2007, 09:35 AM   #84
Paves
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Location: Mount Helena, Perth Hills
Oddometer: 1,663
A Como couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!
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Old 06-26-2007, 09:43 AM   #85
Paves
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Location: Mount Helena, Perth Hills
Oddometer: 1,663
This is more in the style of Auto's joke

The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells husbands.
When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:-

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any Item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads - Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the Sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no Men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives Store just across the street.
The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.
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Oohh! it's nothing but a sparkle

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Old 06-26-2007, 05:47 PM   #86
Lard
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Location: New Zealand
Oddometer: 452
Sheila the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped
over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards
or backwards, she somehow slipped sideways and did the splits
and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her
husband Bruce.

"Bruce! Bruce!" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've
bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said.

"Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck
fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba." (his mate)

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"Let's try Plan B." said Cobba.

"Plan B?!" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that?"

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the
tiles under her," replied Cobba.

"Spot on." Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here
and play with her tits."

"Play with her tits?" Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time
for that mate."
"No," Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough,
we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so
expensive."
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Old 06-26-2007, 05:50 PM   #87
nevgriff64
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Joined: Nov 2005
Location: Melbourne Australia
Oddometer: 13,735
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lard
Sheila the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped
over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards
or backwards, she somehow slipped sideways and did the splits
and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her
husband Bruce.

"Bruce! Bruce!" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've
bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said.

"Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck
fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba." (his mate)

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"Let's try Plan B." said Cobba.

"Plan B?!" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that?"

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the
tiles under her," replied Cobba.

"Spot on." Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here
and play with her tits."

"Play with her tits?" Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time
for that mate."
"No," Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough,
we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so
expensive."

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Old 06-26-2007, 05:54 PM   #88
Lard
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Location: New Zealand
Oddometer: 452
This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. The pet store owner told him he had a talking centipede for sale. The guy was a little unsure but after some discussion and realising that it would be good to have something to talk to, he finally bought the centipede which came in a little white box. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time!

I'm putting on my fukking shoes."
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Old 06-26-2007, 05:55 PM   #89
Lard
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Location: New Zealand
Oddometer: 452
A young man moved into his new apartment in the city. On his
way to the mailboxes in the lobby, an attractive young lady
came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a
robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation
with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious
that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat
trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's
go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your
ears!"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin- no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone cumming? That was me."
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Old 06-26-2007, 10:04 PM   #90
speedwobble2
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Joined: Jan 2007
Location: Western Queensland
Oddometer: 97
Kevin Rudd anb Julia Gillard

Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said, "

Julia I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters."



"Good idea Opposition Leader, how will we go about it?" said Julia .



"Well," said Rudd, "we'll get ourselves Driza Bone coats, RM Williams boots, a stick, and an Akubra hat, oh, and a Blue Heeler Cattle dog. Then we will really look the part.

We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we will show we really enjoy the bush."



"Right," said Julia.



Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Blue Heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for, and found a typical outback pub. Walked in with the dog and up to the bar.



"G'day mate," said Rudd to the bartender, "two middies of your best beer."



"Good afternoon Opposition Leader ," said the bartender, "two middies of our best coming up".



Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer, chatting, and nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.



All of a sudden, the door from the front bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip. He walked up to the Cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the front bar.



A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted it's tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the front bar. Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in, lifted the dogs tail and went away looking puzzled.



Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the Barman over. "Tell me," said Rudd , "why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"



"Strewth no!" said the barman. "It's just that someone went'n told 'em there was a Cattle dog in this bar with two arseholes!"

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