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Old 06-26-2007, 10:35 PM   #91
atgreg
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Old 06-26-2007, 10:36 PM   #92
atgreg
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Old 06-26-2007, 10:55 PM   #93
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You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should use the WD-40, if it moves and shouldn't, use the Duct Tape.


Autostream screwed with this post 12-16-2008 at 02:50 AM
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Old 06-26-2007, 10:56 PM   #94
Autostream
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As a man walks alone the street past an asylum He hears chanting "13, 13, 13, 13"

He chuckles to himself "crazies"

The chanting continues, making the man curious So he decides to try and find a window to look in to see what the inmates are doing.

He finally after much searching finds a hole in the wall He leans up the hole & puts his eyes right up against the hole.

Suddenly something pokes him in the eye.

The man reels back in pain clutching his eye.

The chanting continues.......
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"14, 14, 14, 14"
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Old 06-27-2007, 06:09 AM   #95
troy safari carpente
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The dating game...

Two young girls; Felicity (blonde ) and Veronica (brunette ) were sitting on their beds, in their dorm room at an all Catholic girl’s school late one evening, talking, giggling and generally just chatting about the usual teenage girls stuff…

“Veronica…” enquired the blonde lass, a little shyly “… you know Tristian… from the All Saints college up the road…?”

“Yeah…??” replies Veronica.

“Well… he’s asked me to go out to the movies with him next Saturday evening!”

“Wow, that’s great… He’s so cute!” squeals Veronica, genuinely excited for her friend.

“Yeah… but it’s the third time that we’ve been out… AND he’s reserved seats in the back row of the theatre… I think that he might be EXPECTING something…” said Felicity with some trepidation. “… and I don’t want to get prego’s or anything…”

“No sweat Felicity…” says her friend in reassurance “… just do what I do and give him a suck off during the film…”

“WHAT!! … Oh no, I could never do that…! I wouldn’t know what to do… I’ve never done it… I don’t know how?” squeals Felicity; partly shocked… partly excited.

“Ah, it’s no big deal…” says the little brunette “… after lights out tonight, you can sneak down to the dining room and nick one of the HEINZ ketchup bottles to practice on… No worries… by next weekend you’ll be a pro…!”

So with that, the young blonde snuck down to the cafeteria later that evening, after everyone else had gone to sleep and borrowed a HEINZ ketchup bottle, with which to “fine tune” her fellatio technique upon…


A week soon passed, and young Felicity had been “practicing” every night after lights out on the surrogate ketchup bottle. It was Saturday evening, and the young couple met outside the theatre. The girl’s chaperone (one of the nuns from the convent) left them at the door, young Tristian produced the tickets from his pocket and they entered the movie salon together…

Things went swimmingly; they had seats in the darkest part of the theatre - in the very back row - and they sat closely beside one another, holding each other’s sweaty palms. The film was moderately entertaining and during the first half Tristian glanced over at Felicity and made direct eye contact with her on at least three or four occasions! (Ahhhh, teenage love! )

About halfway through the film the young bloke made his move… He casually reached out with his right arm, put it cautiously around her shoulder and lightly caressed her right breast gently through her linen blouse… This was all the “cue” that Felicity needed… She slunk down onto her knees and in the half darkness carefully unbuckled his belt, drew down his fly and prepared herself for the “deed”. The young buck just smiled contentedly to himself and leaned back in anticipation, resting his hands behind his head…

A few seconds later there came a blood curdling scream of agony from through the darkness of the theatre… The lights came on, and much to the salon conductors surprise, and the shock of the other theatre patrons; there sat the young fella’ in the back row, trousers around his ankles, an anguished look of excruciating pain on his face and the young Felicity on her knees in the aisle beside him… Her left hand firmly clamped around the base of his scrotum… and her right palm smacking the bejeezus out of his knackers, trying to empty the contents…
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zenjen
"It's like deja vu all over again."

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"...the Barstid never gives you anything for your Sig line, it's always too long........."

troy safari carpente screwed with this post 06-27-2007 at 06:15 AM
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Old 06-27-2007, 07:14 AM   #96
Paves
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Awww Troy... that's a real oldie maaaan.........












....we have squeezy plastic bottles now
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Oohh! it's nothing but a sparkle

"All the freaky people make the beauty in the world" - Michael Franty. Weird, odd and proud of it
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Old 06-27-2007, 07:22 AM   #97
troy safari carpente
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Whatcum-cissioned...!?!?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Paves
Awww Troy...









....we have squeezy plastic bottles now
That's progress for ya'... Does that mean that you underwent the agony of having the little end "snipped" off with a pair of scissors, before the young lady in question "squeezed" your bottle for you Paves...???
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sleepy John
"There is a difference between constructive criticism and plain rudeness."


Quote:
Originally Posted by zenjen
"It's like deja vu all over again."

Quote:
Originally posted by PBee
"...the Barstid never gives you anything for your Sig line, it's always too long........."

troy safari carpente screwed with this post 06-27-2007 at 07:32 AM
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Old 06-27-2007, 07:32 AM   #98
Paves
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Scissors????
I think she just used her teeth and spat it out on the carpet, hidden amongst the popcorn.
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What's that you have in your eye?
Oohh! it's nothing but a sparkle

"All the freaky people make the beauty in the world" - Michael Franty. Weird, odd and proud of it
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Old 06-27-2007, 07:34 AM   #99
troy safari carpente
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Gentleman... we have a winner...

__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sleepy John
"There is a difference between constructive criticism and plain rudeness."


Quote:
Originally Posted by zenjen
"It's like deja vu all over again."

Quote:
Originally posted by PBee
"...the Barstid never gives you anything for your Sig line, it's always too long........."
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Old 07-01-2007, 05:38 PM   #100
Autostream
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Children has such a no-nonsense view of the world...

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
(Written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
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If it doesn't move and should use the WD-40, if it moves and shouldn't, use the Duct Tape.

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Old 07-01-2007, 08:06 PM   #101
Mouse
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auto, you are scaring me.

isn't there a law about advriders polling kids? did it cost you a lot in boiled lollies?
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“It is better to stir up a question without deciding it than to decide it without stirring it up”
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Old 07-01-2007, 08:48 PM   #102
Jeffro115
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Autostream
Children has such a no-nonsense view of the world...



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Danger is one thing. But danger plus extreme discomfort for long periods is quite another.
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Old 07-01-2007, 09:36 PM   #103
Autostream
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mouse
auto, you are scaring me.

isn't there a law about advriders polling kids? did it cost you a lot in boiled lollies?
A few hold out to score big, but I left those out and got it done for less than 350 grams.
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You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should use the WD-40, if it moves and shouldn't, use the Duct Tape.

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Old 07-01-2007, 10:12 PM   #104
Pickled Amnesiac OP
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Location: Oberon.... home of the.... pinetree?
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Laugh birth... in the eyes of a child

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
>
>
>
>The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old
>girl
>
> >to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he
> >helped
>
>Deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
>
>
>
>Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The
>
>Paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
>
>Connor began to cry.
>
>
>
>The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the
>wide-eyed
>
>3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen
>
>Quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
>
>First place......smack his ass again!"



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Old 07-02-2007, 02:22 AM   #105
ayashko
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what do you call a deer with no eyes?
no idea…

what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
still no idea…


what do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no penis?
STILL no fuckin' idea…
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