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Old 05-25-2008, 06:02 PM   #1
Gnarly Adventurer
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Joined: Jul 2005
Oddometer: 198
Mid 20's. One Monster, two idiots. the European tour.

A few of you guys might remember my previous trips, If not, here you go:

Well, The characters are about the same this time as the Grand Canyon/Nighthawk trip. Although this time the Nighthawk couldn't come along, he's in my shed..... Hanging out with the aprilia, who knows what the hell those two are up to.

Nevertheless, My mom lives in Denmark, and I go visit her every year. Every year I drive her old Toyota Starlet around and just die when I see the empty curvy roads and I swear that I need to bring a motorcycle. I never end up doing it of course.......... until now!

So I found a guy who ships bikes from Orlando to Heidelberg, Germany for little money $1000 but it includes customs fees and European insurance for three months in case I decide to ram into an Opel Kadett or what have you.

Germany isn't so far away from Denmark is it? I squinted my face as I guessed at the European map and decided to roll the dice that I was correct. So I gave him my bike

This brought about the most important question of all, who to take with me?! Who would be willing to endure my constant barrage of bad luck and bad jokes? Who can deal with inevitable disaster? Well, I couldn't think of anyone, so I just told Kelsey that I wanted her to come with me to Denmark to enjoy some good sun and fun at the beach. With nothing more stressful than lifting some beer up to her lips and told her I would even light all of her cigarettes and shower her with compliments.

Well, here is the bike!

Here are the hobos:

So I bought two tickets to fly from Copenhagen, to Frankfurt. Then we would take the train to Heidelberg, pick up the bike, and ride it home. This at at total of just over a thousand kilometers.

Follow along as the plot thickens.

CETME screwed with this post 05-26-2008 at 06:11 AM
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Old 05-25-2008, 06:33 PM   #2
Canberra ACT OZ GSer
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Joined: Jan 2007
Location: Canberra
Oddometer: 695

farking Fantastic....mate.....

... ya reports are TOP! man...

so... .whats next... come one...
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Old 05-25-2008, 06:42 PM   #3
Ledge End Hairy
Lost in Space
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Location: NYC Metro (CT)
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Your nighthawk / grand canyon RR was great, looking forward to this one!
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Old 05-26-2008, 04:10 AM   #4
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Remember when I said that I bought Flights from Copenhagen to Frankfurt? Well, after haggling over the phone with various airlines to no avail, I finally found Air Berlin who told me they would give me two tickets for a price far below the others. They didn't demand a liver, testicle and the foreskin of my first born son. There was a catch though: A four hour lay over in Berlin.

I know my last Ride Report, some guys complained about me putting too many pictures up of myself, rather than pictures of the girls. I sat and thought about it for a while and decided that NO WAY. I would be doing you guys a HUGE disservice if I didn't put pictures of my mug on here.

We got early to Copenhagen, we waited around for two hours, and entertained ourselves with bad jokes and marlboros:

The flight to Berlin was as uneventful as could be. The oxygen masks stayed in their place and I had no need for the life vest. Although between you and me, we all wish the plane would crash in the water. That way you can reach under your seat and pull out the life vest for yourself. You'd raise it in the air with one hand as if you just won a giant trophy.... All for the joy to be able to pull the two strings on the life vest to have it spontaneously fill up. If it happens to me, I'll video tape it for you guys, I demand the same if it happens to you guys.

Nevertheless, we sat around the airport. We couldn't help but indulge our American sides. Sometimes the sweet siren song is too beautiful to turn down.

Here I am huffing the bag remnants:

Well, The Berlin airport is about the most unexciting airport i've ever been to. The chairs are made of razor blades, barbedwire and puppy teeth. So we resorted to lying on the floor. Here Kelsey found a small sliver of floor to sleep on:

Well, again, nothing happened on the flight. We arrived in Frankfurt at 10:30pm. At 11 pm there was a bus leaving Frankfurt to Heidelburg that we had to get on. As soon as we got off the plane, we ran to the bus terminal. We made it there at 10:55 huffing and puffing. Hooray we made it! So we waited. 11pm came around and no bus. WTF? so I looked at the timesheet, and it said 10:30pm was the last bus to Heidelberg! NOOOO!!! I could have sworn it as 11:00, their website lied to me!!

Well. Now all I had to do was tell Kelsey. This posed a few problems. First of all, how could I have gotten the times wrong? Their website clearly was wrong, but she wouldn't believe me. On top of that, I had promised to feed her grapes while she lounged on the beach. Now she was in Frankfurt breathing jet exhaust and hanging out with someone who couldn't get bus times correct. How was he going to get her 1000km home?

Getting directions or asking for anything is a tough task in Germany. I barely speak a word of German. So I was pointed towards the train, and we went to see if they had a late train. Luckily at 12:30 am they had a train leaving for Heidelberg. We waited around, for another hour and a half, and got on.

Arriving in Heidelberg was a pretty sweet deal. We saw the Marlboro man, he's huge:

Now what?! It was almost 2 a.m. and I was at a train station, in a foreign country, with a foreign language, in the middle of the night. I did no research. I didn't know what hotels were around, I didn't know anything.

I saw a group of college kids walking towards us, conversation went something like this:

"Hallo, English?"
"Where are we? What are we doing here?" I asked
"Is this Germany?" I asked again before they answered

They laughed.
If you can't speak the language, at least make them laugh.

The pointed me to the only hotel in town that was open within walking distance. Really? a Hotel? Warm water? Beds? German soft porn T.V.? Damn, thats so fancy.......

The price was 71 Euros for one person, and 100 Euros for two. I'll be damned if I fall for that stupidity, so I paid the 71 Euros and smuggled the broad in.

A shower and half hour of German porn later, I fell asleep. This trip was working out so well. What could POSSIBLY happen?
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Old 05-26-2008, 10:47 AM   #5
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hmmm, tough crowd on here, I'll have to kick it up a notch I see........

Well, the wake up call came promptly at 10 a.m. I hadn't slept so well the night before and it was particularly hard to get up then. I really wasn't used to the 6hr time difference yet, and I oozed my way out of bed and into my clothes.

I really didn't know where I was going, but I found a small information center that had a map on the wall. I took a picture of it with my camera, and used that to get my way around.

So off we went.

Finding your way around Heidelberg is damn near impossible. They really don't believe in street signs over there and to make matters worse, women don't really allow themselves to be a part of the decision making process on where to go, or which way to turn. They do that so they don't have to be held responsible if you get lost. On top of that, they get to yell at you when you don't get it right.

"Lars, seriously, if we go around in circles one more time i'm going to punch you in the face"
"Shut up Kelsey"

Well, after enough wandering around, Kelsey fell into this hole:

Luckily it happened to be where we were supposed to meet up with the guy, so we waited. I watched as she tried to get herself out of the hole as I took pictures and video of her.

I called the guy and he said he was out and about and woudl be back in just over two hours. We made ourselves at home around his house and entertained ourselves thoroughly.

Some childish humor?

After we ran out of bad jokes, we sat down to wait:

Well, right on time, two hours later, the shipper showed up. He took us to the warehouse where the bike had been sitting for the past few months. It was nice to see it again, much in the same way you come home after a few days to see your dog, who in turn didn't chew up any of your valuables. For those of you who don't have dogs, insert wife or children in place of "dog"

I slid my hand over the seat as if I was petting his back. Then as you guessed it, I did what we all do when we see a new bike and twist the throttle and let it snap back a few times. Just to rekindle good memories.

I checked the oil and tires and topped them up, the shipper was kind enough to provide oil and air for me. He was busy and needed to get going, so we hopped on the bike and took off the first gas station.

At the gas station I noticed that we had no Tachometer. In fact I noticed that the neutral light didn't work. On top of that I had no headlights nor tailights! I checked the fuses and realized that the light fuse had blown. I thought that was a little odd and put in a new fuse.

Everything worked again and we were off! We jumped on the Autobahn. With no speed limits facing me, I twisted the throttle and brought it up to a 100mph. I soon realized that it was not enough. BMW's and Benz's were flying up behind me and flying right on by.

I wish I could have kept up, considering that I was on an Italian bike with a 916cc 4v v-twin engine, but with no windshield and a full sized broad on the back, 100 was the limit. I was already straining my neck to keep my head attached.

Looking down at the guages, I noticed the Tach had gone again. Seems like I blew the fuse again. Damnit!

Off the highway to fix the problem:

Luckily there was an auto-part store across the street and I bought 4 more 15 amp fuses. Just in case. I disconnected the battery and tried to reconnect it better, as I figured the negative cable might have been loose or something. As I worked, Kelsey relaxed, lied down, smoked a cigarette and messed with the camera:

I put in a new fuse, tightened up the cables and everything came to life again! In a bout of celebration, we took another picture. Look how ecstatic we look!

Everything was working great. I set the cruise control to 100mph on my hand computer and set off towards Denmark again. 50 miles later, we lost the lights again. WTF?! what on earth was going on?!

We pulled off onto a rest stop. Kelsey rolled her eyes and decided to rid herself of a problem she didn't really allow herself to be a part of in the first place. So this is her way of helping:

As a level IV Warlock, I decided to cast a spell on her. I tried to turn her into something useful, like a warm meal, or lice.

And in case you guys were curious, this is what my bike looks like in Germany:

Functional lights followed a new fuse and away we went again. The sun started going down and I stopped at a truck-stop to regroup.

I had 15 Euros to my name. A hotel was out of the question. There were some bushes and trees 200 yards behind the truck stop. We went over to check it out and I declared that we would sleep there that night. Kelsey wasn't too pleased about it, and told me to go fetch some newspaper at least.

I went back to the truck stop and out of the garbage pulled out some newspaper. I walked back and setup shop:

I stashed the bike in some tall weeds to hide it from preying eyes. Imagine being stuck in the middle of a country with no means of transportation, or money for that matter.

As the sun went down, the temp just dropped like a waterfall. I was wearing a T-shirt, with two long sleeved shirts on top. I also had a plastic liner from my Joe Rocket jacket. I could see my breath everytime I breathed. It was so cold. We spooned together as hard as we could, but holy crap it was cold.

We had to make a fire. We were quite literally freezing:

The fire was a godsend. It was small, but allowed the blood to circulate. I knew we couldn't sleep and have the fire last long enough to keep us warm, so I went back to the truck stop and looked for some blankets. All that I could see were towels. For 15 euros. EACH!

Now I don't condone this, but I was excrutiatingly cold and I was desperate. I walked up to the guy in the counter and explained my situation. I told him I would pay him ANYWAY possible. I raised one eyebrow as I said that.

He told me he had his fill, and that I could get off lucky this time. He gave me the towels and a fleece blanket.

Next to the fire and with a blanket, I slept halfway reasonably:

Kelsey wasn't pleased with the cold and when the sun finally came up, we slept out in the sun and got a precious few hours of sleep before we would start up again. Boy was she cranky
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Old 05-26-2008, 10:59 AM   #6
Spicy McHaggis
Darth Peach's cracker...
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Old 05-26-2008, 11:02 AM   #7
Not a wannabe..a usetobe
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Joined: Oct 2007
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DUDE! Your last two ride reports rank in my top ten! Unfortunately, you haven't gotten any better looking. Perhaps you should grow a molestache.
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Old 05-26-2008, 11:04 AM   #8
Gnarly Adventurer
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Oddometer: 198
Originally Posted by wheelgun
DUDE! Your last two ride reports rank in my top ten! Unfortunately, you haven't gotten any better looking. Perhaps you should grow a molestache.
I have tons of pictures of my mug. Don't make me refresh your memory on how pretty I am.
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Old 05-26-2008, 11:19 AM   #9
Always a n00b
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Location: Chiang Mai, Thailand at the moment
Oddometer: 3,366
"We are adventure riders. The needs are pretty simple. Bring what you need, share what you've got." -cRAsH

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Old 05-26-2008, 11:20 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by CETME
I tried to turn her into something useful, like a warm meal, or lice.
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Old 05-26-2008, 11:20 AM   #11
One more time
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Joined: Mar 2007
Location: New Mexico (yes it is a State)
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I like his ride reports.
+1 on the less pics of you and more pics of the girls
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Old 05-26-2008, 11:39 AM   #12
Edder B
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Great adventure. I met the guy from Heidelberg a couple of years ago and have been toying with the idea of shipping my bike to my in-laws in Idar-Oberstein, Germany. It sucks to go visit and not be able to ride. By the way, nice bike and girlfriend. How does she put up with you . Looking forward to the rest of the report. I've spent some good times in Viborg and Skive.
Its only a bad day if I'm not riding

"If you try to pass me you will die. I ride at the limit". Sigi Hoffman.

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Old 05-26-2008, 11:58 AM   #13
Joined: Aug 2007
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I'm riveted

Now this is true entertainment!
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Old 05-26-2008, 12:11 PM   #14
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Location: Toronto, ON
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I remember your last trip together... and I seem to remember you two didn't get along Good to see you're back on the road again on an amazing adventure

ADV decals, patches & flag? Here
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Old 05-26-2008, 01:51 PM   #15
Weekend Adventurer
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Joined: Sep 2007
Location: Oberkirch/Blackforest/Germany
Oddometer: 666
Man,i really like your reports,please bring more.When did you do the trip,this year ? And donīt you have any problems with the POLIZEI because of non licenceplate ? Or do i not see it ?
Whenever you both are in the Blackforest give me a PM
I donīt like mondays...

...and winter

MikJogg screwed with this post 05-26-2008 at 02:08 PM
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