when it's time to go

[Smedley]

Now, I understand that suicide is escape from pain. We who are not in pain can’t relate. Some of us who are in pain can embrace it and live on, standing as a powerful example to others. Others are what an old friend of mine called “no load individuals”. They have so little strength that not only can they not carry others, they cannot carry themselves.

I can tell you when you are in that dark place and there are no lights for a way out, it is very very hard to get turned around.....
I would not be typing this today if it weren't for that small glimmer and the feeling of guilt of leaving others behind to suffer the loss.....

The pain can be very hard to deal with and when you feel all hope is gone, that ending looks like a blessing.....
And as already stated, for those that have never felt that over whelming emotion of dispair, it is one that you cannot understand. I didn't for the first 46 years of my life. I saw it as some here have stated......but now being in that position and having that understanding, I will NEVER look down on another that is struggling like I did!!!! And if giving the chance, I will try and help them to see that there can be ways out of most of it.

That all being said, I also see the "I do not want to be a burden on others" side of things and I respect that......


Where I am today is a good place, and if I was told that I would not be here for much longer, I would try and do and see as much as I can before I couldn't......life is a gift!!!!

[Motomuffin]

I never got knocked up, never got married ( haven't had a real boyfriend in 20 yrs) and have 3 family members. I don't know what i'd do faced w/ the knowledge of imminent demise... Buy a new bike I suppose.... and take off.
Mom was lucky, after a lifelong battle w/ depression she died of a massive heart attack.
I feel pretty done w/ this life. I don't have too many expectations of the rest of it given my own struggles w/ depression, but wouldn't off myself in an obvious way due to the few family members I have left.

[HellsAlien]

Originally Posted by Motomuffin

I never got knocked up, never got married ( haven't had a real boyfriend in 20 yrs) and have 3 family members. I don't know what i'd do faced w/ the knowledge of imminent demise... Buy a new bike I suppose.... and take off.
Mom was lucky, after a lifelong battle w/ depression she died of a massive heart attack.
I feel pretty done w/ this life. I don't have too many expectations of the rest of it given my own struggles w/ depression, but wouldn't off myself in an obvious way due to the few family members I have left.

I never got anybody knocked up (not for lack of trying.) I did get married for better or worse (it got worse.) I have had real girlfriends for over twenty years (I feel blessed for that, esp Sylvia who was actually my dom partner.)

I do know what I did when faced with the imminent demise of my loved one: I supported her to her last dying breath. It was one of the best choices I ever made in my adult lifetime and I would do it again in spite of all the pain & agony without a moments hesitation; including buying a new KTM that we both loved to ride the piss out of!

I have been lucky so far. I am blessed with parents still alive and 60 years together. They are both legally blind, but not of or to each other.

I am not blind to the effects of depression on those around me. I feel even at my late age that I am beginning more than ending, there just isn't enough time to do all the great things I wanna do.

I am glad to know you would not off yourself; that would be bad and I'd kick your ass for doing so. That would be a very selfish thing for you to do in my opinion.

What we see depends mainly on what we look for. If things ever look that bad give me a call and I will hold your hand, all night if neccessary.

Things usually turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out.

[BSkye]

"What we see depends mainly on what we look for"....

........man, the day I figured THAT out things changed a lot.

My life did not change I think, but I sure as hell learned to breathe.

[tblume]

Originally Posted by Motomuffin

I never buy a new bike ....

fixed it for you, and what the hell?! how many of these FF's are your "family" ??


These folks here, you can choose-


I ask you; what's better than a family you can hand pick? Wish you weren't busy Thursday- you're invited to my advfamily turkey (or whatever we scrounge up) day!

[linkweewee]

Originally Posted by BSkye

"What we see depends mainly on what we look for"....

Or as Tom Robbins (author) put it:

"We can change the way things are by looking at them in a different way".

[Motomuffin]

Thanks for the kind offer, Tim
Al... what can I say, those are perhaps the kindest words I've read in a very long time.
I hang in there it's what I do. I function in certain parts of my life pretty damn highly, but in others it's bleak.
I have tried altering my perspective, truly I have, and riding worked for me for years, but even that leaves me emotionally flat these days... that concerns me quite frankly....
Glad to know all you ff's it gives me hope, actually

[tblume]

Originally Posted by Motomuffin

riding worked for me for years, but even that leaves me emotionally flat these days... that concerns me quite frankly....
Glad to know all you ff's it gives me hope, actually

common thread I think- the riding leaving you flat- it'll pass- get out the little bikes for a while, get the fear back in the helmet, have dumb fun offroad, crash a little!


You've got an open invitation Ramona, anytime.

[linkweewee]

The best advice I ever got when years ago I was doing shitty things to myself that noone but me knew about was from my dentist (also a friend) when he told me to "quit beating myself up" and that has stuck with me since.

Their are no trite cliches to trot out that fix things is obviously a truism too and why we're so nice to others and hard on ourselves is another conundrum.

[V-Duck]

Originally Posted by linkweewee

...why we're so nice to others and hard on ourselves is another conundrum.

Guilty, guilty, guilty.


Now I'll prolly beat myself about that, too... sheesh.


Seriously, (pardon the upcoming pun) for me, the lesson yet to be fully learned is to stop taking myself so seriously. Having a sense of humor, especially when it comes to myself, doesn't come naturally or easy. But it's essential to my health.

I'm still learning and will be til I shuffle off into the sunset...

[BSkye]

Originally Posted by linkweewee

Or as Tom Robbins (author) put it:

"We can change the way things are by looking at them in a different way".

Right.
Tell you what: outlook even directly affects body chemistry. Ever try it?

(at least to a point. Not to be confused with outright denial, and no doubt-
one can probably not talk oneself out of depression just like that).

[BSkye]

Originally Posted by linkweewee

The best advice I ever got when years ago I was doing shitty things to myself that noone but me knew about was from my dentist (also a friend) when he told me to "quit beating myself up" and that has stuck with me since.

Their are no trite cliches to trot out that fix things is obviously a truism too and why we're so nice to others and hard on ourselves is another conundrum.

Yup....notice my signature line, it is there for a reason: much worse than what others may say about or
towards me has been my very own harsh judgement. Or stuff like:"you can't do this....you can't do that...blah...
blah...blah....it's all shitty anyways...."

Took a long time to learn to just let that clutter ramble and be like:
Ja....ja....ja..... (eye rolling here) ....stop wasting my time.

[linkweewee]

Originally Posted by V-Duck

Guilty, guilty, guilty.


Now I'll prolly beat myself about that, too... sheesh.


Seriously, (pardon the upcoming pun) for me, the lesson yet to be fully learned is to stop taking myself so seriously. Having a sense of humor, especially when it comes to myself, doesn't come naturally or easy. But it's essential to my health.

I'm still learning and will be til I shuffle off into the sunset...

funny Kevin because that's the last thing I would wonder about you-Timmy and I are having some kind of best ribs special ever at Lava Lounge Tues if you are interested,

[tblume]

I love you guys. (Girls included- it's a "Royal" guys)

For what it's worth, on a virtual, online, bs format. You people are wonderful humans. I Thank you.

[dammitdave]

Originally Posted by WetSideRider

A young suicide is a tragedy. As we age, suicide gains some measure of heroism, to me. When the strong grow weak after a lifetime of carrying others, they often decide that they don’t want to be a burden. They don’t want to inflict the pain of loss that they themselves have felt in a lifetime of loss. It’s a false hope, the hope that our loss will be less if our loved ones don’t see us suffer, but it is a loving hope that I respect.

If I am granted a forewarning of the end, I hope I am able to handle it with grace, and act as an example to the ones that I care about who are left behind, for now.

I think twice about posting this. More than twice. But every year for 24 years now, this time of year makes me melancholy. I like people more now than I did then, and I try to be a little more understanding. Maybe this note is helpful to someone.

There is not a day that I do not think about the brother that I lost to suicide. It takes some grace to accept that we cannot know how it feels to be someone without hope. Dave