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Old 08-22-2013, 09:31 AM   #271
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Up until now, we had been taking it pretty easy...slow tour through mildly technical trails...a few ascents...bull$hitting with Johnny about what brought him to CO, a lengthy dissertation by yours truly covering every detail of the product that MIke and I work on, followed by discussion of whether or not I had just shared entirely too much information and Johnny was, in fact, some sort of subversive sent out to kidnap and torture us for classified information. We laughed and agreed that I had already shared everything I knew and torture would likely not be required. Mike and I quietly discussed, through a series of head nods, winks, and other non-verbal cues, the possible need to eliminate Johnny for knowing too much.

We cruised on...


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Old 08-22-2013, 10:36 AM   #272
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Perhaps sensing an impending attack from backseat assailants armed with folding knives and parachute cord, Johnny decided to pick up the pace; launching off of water bars and incrementally increasing our height and air time as he went. MIke and I were thrown helplessly in the air; only to smash various body parts against seats, roll cage, and body panels during landing. Searing pain drowned out by the hysterical laughter of high altitude junkies in need of an adrenaline fix. It was as if there was a nitrous leak beneath the seats. I was trying desperately to hold the GoPro up in one hand while clutching the roll cage in the other and the Canon Rebel between my knees; I was flailing wildly in all directions.



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Old 08-22-2013, 10:42 AM   #273
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It's no easy task to capture the sensation of motor vehicle flight in still frames, but I gave it a shot. Image 1 is the launch and Image 2 is the landing...and image 3 is the exact moment when MIke's spine was compressed to the point of disc herniation...still laughter ensued







UNder normal circumstances, he does actually have a neck...
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Old 08-22-2013, 02:00 PM   #274
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After beating us silly for 20 minutes or so, Johnny relented and took us to a scenic overlook to eat snacks and lick our wounds. It seems that the torture we had feared would come in the guise of a Toyota LandCruiser. For an Al Qaeda agent, he was surpisingly hospitable; he supplied candy, crackers, and beverages. For a fleeting moment, as I swallowed the first bite of a Snickers bar, I was concerned that it might be laden with hallucinogens and I might wake up in a Ned Beatty situation. However, having surmised that Mike looked a lot more like old Ned, I decided to take my chances. Surely I would play the role of Burt Reynolds instead. Besides, being accosted by hillbillies would be an adventure in itself and adventure was the stated goal of the trip.

I climbed a nearby pile of rocks to establish a Defensive Fighting Position; I waited for the acid to kick in...

An aerial attack would be my approach



Happy surprise...my turret has a view...and Mike has no idea that the attack is coming.




...but I digress.
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Old 08-23-2013, 07:45 AM   #275
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Looks like an awesome time!! Thanks for the updates.

JG
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Old 08-23-2013, 12:57 PM   #276
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Thumb Terrific Read

Hey Guys, Thelma and Louise have nothing on you. The vintage photography build up and story were the best on the site today. Terrific writing and wit. Ride safe.

Now with respect to the "girlfriend"............ Respectfully........wonderful lady I'm sure........... maybe a spa day at a Russian internment and reprogramming camp? Intrarvenous Tequila pump? Idunno.

Keep it coming, the whole office is howling.
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Old 08-23-2013, 04:42 PM   #277
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When we last saw our two heroes, they were somewhere in the mountains east of Estes Park...on a remote trail that had been padlocked behind us to prevent interruptions or police intervention. We had been brutally beaten with a V-8 powered torture implement from the Land of the Rising Sun and I'm 90% sure we had just imbibed the same stuff that Arnold was injected with in True Lies. Our captor, a Mr. Johnny Knoxville (if that was truly his real name), was rifling through his backpack in search of his stun gun and a giant purple d!ldo. I had climbed a rocky precipice in preparation for the onslaught...I would fight to the death.


Mike was happily taking pictures...completely oblivious to our dire situation...not even noticing as the sky began to fill with bats...typical.

Johnny looked to the west for his signal to attack...apparently communication was being made using the long forgotten Native American method of smoke signals. I was on to the whole diabolical plan by this point...I hoped he'd get MIke with the torture implements first.

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Old 08-23-2013, 04:54 PM   #278
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Ten minutes later we were back in the LandCruiser and zipping down the trail...singing Cheeseburger in Paradise by Jimmy Buffet...false alarm...my bad. Still can't explain the giant purple d!ldo.

Anyhow, Johnny took us for a second loop of the "rocking rollercoaster" loop, battered us senseless by launching off of the water bars and whoops all over again, and then asked us if we wanted to push further into the mountains. My shins were bruised from the seat frame in front of me and my shoulder had met with something very hard during a landing...MIke was suffering from arm pump after holding on to the roll cage like Jeremy McGrath dominating his moto...we were both spent. We opted to head back to town. It turned out that our day of relaxation off the bikes was much more painful than even the 700+ mile day. Crazy, silly, fun...but painful nonetheless. We were looking forward to some low impact recreation back in town.

THe smoke from the forest fires in RMNP was really starting to reach Estes Park.

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Old 08-23-2013, 05:01 PM   #279
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Johnny offered to drop us off at his favorite local bar, but it was outside of town and didn't feel like dealing with the logisitics of finding our way home later. We went back to the Rocky Mountain Rush Global Headquarters, thanked him vigorously for not using any of the items in his backpack, and tipped generously.

Honestly, all hyperbole aside, if you find yourself in Estes Park, take a tour with these guys. The vehicles are top notch, they offer all sorts of tours...on road and off road...with as much or as little adventure as you like. We really pushed Johnny to let it all hang out and thrash the cruiser, but it could have just as easily been a scenic ride through beautiful country that most people never get to see. The ladies in the office were very nice and could've easily derailed our entire afternoon. Give these folks a try...you'll have FUN.
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Old 08-23-2013, 07:11 PM   #280
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Mike and I walked back to the room to shake off the trail dust and to load up on Codeine. Next stop...dinner.

We walked down to Ed's Cantina...my wife's absolute favorite Mexican restaurant...it's not that the food is really that good, but the tortilla chips are made on site, are paper thin, and hot when they get to the table...they're almost transparent from the oil...she LOVES them! She's still talking about them and she hasn't been there in 3 years. Mike and I knocked back a few Coronas and a couple baskets of chips in her honor before killing a few entrees. Nice place...we ate outside on a patio by the river.

On a related note...for some delicious Mexican cuisine, I love the Sabana at Barrigas in Juarez, Mexico...extra green chilis...worth the trip.

On the way back from dinner, Mike and I found ourselves strolling along the river on a series of nicely maintained...


Oh wait...crap...that reminds me...MAINTENANCE. It seems that whomever is running the Department of Public Works in Estes Park is quite the horn dog. The entire downtown maintenance team seems to be comprised of young, hot college girls. We saw them all day - every day. They were cruising around in golf carts, watering flowers, weeding the median, painting...bending...lifting...stretching...strain ing...laughing...having tickle fights...hosing one another down...posing...distracting...err...never mind...I might have imagined those last few; but these aren't your typical DPW guys...much, much better.

Anyhow, back to the 2 fat bald guys strolling by the river...



The creek was roaring past and we were discussing our impending ride back to New England. Then there was a ruckus up ahead...people yelling...people rushing to the edge of the churning water. I thought that someone must have fallen in...maybe a child be washed away in the current...we prepared to spring into action as the object of everyone's attention drew near...

It was a Black Lab...in the middle of the creek...paddling in circles...barking...and looking around wildly. People were yelling..calling it to shore...trying to figure out how to get to it without drowning. A few folks waded in a step or two, but the raging current shuttled him past much too quickly. MIke and I made our way to the rocky shore just as the dog was nearing us...preparing to jump in...wondering if we'd get bit in the process. Time slowed down...my mind raced...why was he paddling in circles and not toward the riverbank? Labs are strong swimmers...he seemed to be keeping his head well above the surface...he was barking...what the heck was he doing? I was just about to ditch my phone and wallet to jump in when he rushed past. I felt sick. He moved away from us at an alarming pace...he would be out of sight in another few seconds. I felt a sinking feeling as he would surely be gone soon.


Barking...paddling...barking...paddling...washing away...













Just about then, the Lab found the object of his desire...that thing that he had been spinning in circles for...searching desperately for in the churning currents...the reason he couldn't paddle to the shore...





He found his stick.





Stupid dog! He barked in triumph, paddled furiously to his target, grabbed the stick, and swam to shore as easy and assuredly as climbing out of a bath tub. He shook off and ran back up stream...right past us...presumably to take the whole ride all over again. HOLY CRAP!

I wasn't sure whether I should be overjoyed that he had survived or pissed off that we almost jumped in to save a dog that was apparently having a great time.

The crowd of concerned onlookers were stunned as the dog ran happily past with hsi tail wagging... we were all looking at one another in disbelief...lots of head nodding and incredulity. If the owner of the dog was in the crowd, he was laying low for fear of catching a beat down from the mob.

Mike and I decided to go get ice cream.

Hondarider screwed with this post 08-24-2013 at 10:58 AM
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Old 08-24-2013, 02:38 PM   #281
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"The entire downtown maintenance team seems to be comprised of young, hot college girls. We saw them all day - every day. They were cruising around in golf carts, watering flowers, weeding the median, painting...bending...lifting...stretching...strain ing...laughing...having tickle fights...hosing one another down...posing"

C'mon.. Pictures? none? really?
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Old 08-24-2013, 06:04 PM   #282
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Noth View Post
C'mon.. Pictures? none? really?
^ + 1. Pics or they were Subaru Forester drivin', short haircut, "outdoorsy" gals.
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Old 08-24-2013, 06:52 PM   #283
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Ha! Sorry that I don't have pictures. I was afraid to look directly at them for fear that I would be branded a pervert and chased out of town. Taking a picture was entirely out of the question. I had to do all my stalking from behind mirrored sunglasses.
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Old 08-26-2013, 04:25 PM   #284
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Do a good turn daily.

One post a day is all I ask, Scout. Do you make it home? Or does Mike come to his senses and ride away with you forever? My riding buddy is from Boston and our personalities parallel your's and Mike's. I have chuckled throughout this RR. Thanks.
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Old 08-26-2013, 07:03 PM   #285
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Yup...sorry...I've been a slacker...let's see...where was I...


After nearly taking a plunge into the Big Thompson River, Mike and I wandered over to one of the 50 ice cream shops in Estes Park to reward ourselves for very nearly being heroic. I thought ice cream parlors were a distinctly New England attraction, but this town has everything you could possibly want in frozen treats. We located a strategically positioned park bench and went about surveying the local talent...hoping that it wasn't too late for some flower maintenance by the local DPW. We watched our fellow tourists stream by in black socks and sandals...pleated, acid-washed, jean shorts...all manner of wife beater tank tops...cowboys...pirates...jorts...japris...suburb an gangsters...FRANKIE SAYS RELAX white tees...the entire gamut of bad American fashion and maybe a few Europeans thrown in for variety. Good people watching.

After that, Mike was hoping to get a six pack or two and park in front of a campfire at the lodge, but I was draggin ass and looking to hit the rack. I don't even remember the room or the bathroom or watching TV...I remember pushing all of this stuff onto the floor and I was out cold in 5 minutes.

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